I talked a lot about my financial woes, especially in this post, it's not uncommon to begin to see the futility of working especially when you've lost your only sibling. However, reality is a different kind of demon.
The fact that you're alive, whether you're grieving, crippled, sick, or suffering any form of deformity, be it physical or genetic, you're going to have to pay bills. This is because living is expensive.
Whether or not you now hate life, you still need to pay to eat, shelter, clothe, and run your life, and money is not an emotional tool. It doesn't come because you're grieving and need to stay off work, it comes with dogged intentionality.
So life is loveless.
Everything we see is mere connection based on things to benefit, it hurts to know, but it's the truth. We were given this responsibility to live, we fell in love with it and sometimes, we don't mind the struggles that come with it, as long as we have the people we love.
I'm not sure if I have anyone I love again, (I'm certain it's the same vice-versa) because face it, the concept of external love from someone you do not share a default connection with is a mere charade, and based on the principles of "things". You get to learn this when life hits you too hard.
So, the thing is that I was beginning to hate the concept of work, it felt futile, it was not justifiable anymore to me, and I began to withdraw.
My brother's passing was the last straw, I'm going through a myriad of challenges, but hitting me with that final straw felt like KO. I still wake up every day with a massive lump in my throat, and the fear of the consequences of the mistakes I've made in these past few months.
I know I'm going broke, but this is probably the least of my worries. My worry is being stuck in this bubble of sadness and waking up without any motivation, this alone truncates any material needs or responsibilities.
Oddly enough, someone sent me some hive yesterday, I lauded their intent and not necessarily the gift because it takes a lot for someone to think of you in some specific manner these days while manifesting those thoughts physically.
I'm not taking it to heart, I guess it's because I'm super sensitive these days. Sometimes the smallest goodwill or neglect tends to trigger me. However, it's difficult to kill your expectations when you're vulnerable, and needing closure. I've taken time off from so many things, to recharge myself mentally.
Again I've started to engage myself off-hive to see how I can generate some external funds to take care of my bills. I do this because I mainly want to disconnect, forget that life is cruel, and maybe find even the slightest spark of happiness. The biggest problem is waiting.
Time seems to pass too slowly nowadays, maybe it's because I depend on its passage to find healing, and closure and free myself from pressure here and there. It continues.
Interested in some more of my works
