Who, for the sake of a new beginning
Will burn itself alive.
— Adonis
Tess
I've heard of people being consumed by spontaneous combustion and perishing like the Phoenix in their own fire.
That's how I felt being in Lillian's house, seeing her clothes and belongings and being overcome with grief at invading her privacy— and yet, whilst in the midst of an overwhelming sense of deja vu, still being powerfully drawn to Tess.
And ultimately that's what guilt does— it leads to self-immolation.
I wanted to run from there and run from her-— to leave Tess thinking I was mad and cause her to dismiss me as unstable, but instead I stayed and against my better judgment, took her out to breakfast at The Watermark.
Yeah, that's me-—conflicted and totally faithless.
Of course Tess knew nothing of the drama playing out inside me-—unlike Lillian, she wasn't privy to my inner landscape or spending nights with me in the dark cave of my psyche.
No, the best that could be said about Tess was that she was an incredibly beautiful flesh and blood woman who exerted a libidinous control over me and I willingly succumbed because I was exhausted from romancing a wraith.
But damn it all, there was something else.
Tess' power over me was more than mere lust—there was a light of recognition in her eyes every time she met with me, and whether she knew it or not we were continuing a tryst from a previous lifetime and it was plain and simple as taking care of unfinished business.
Some women you recall in memory and others haunt you in your flesh...and for me, that was Tess.
"What are you thinking about City Boy— or should I say whom?"
I was called out of my reverie and forced right then and there to confront my angst and tell the truth, but of course, I lied.
"What always makes you think there's another woman?"
"Because you're a player and duplicitous. You suffer from double vision."
I've got to admit that kind of response unnerved me, both because it was true and also because it showed a depth of intuition in her that would be impossible to deceive.
"I'm thinking it would be impossible to lie to you."
She took a bite of her toast and looked out the window at stray drops of rain marring the glass.
"It would be impossible for you to deceive," she said dreamily, "but not to beguile—you've done that before."
My heart stopped in my chest, because she had turned and looked at me directly as she uttered the latter phrase and I took it as meaning more than my being a serial cheat. She meant I personally betrayed her before.
I knew it and she knew it and I didn't try to deny it.
"Maybe this time will be different," I said.
"Not in this lifetime," she chuckled bitterly. And I hung on her words and felt totally helpless.
"You know, Marcus, some women connive and bewitch but not me. I never get my man. But don't feel bad, I'm resigned because when i saw you I knew we'd be together but end up ruining each other."
"I wanted to ask you about that. When we first met I saw a flicker of recognition in your eyes. Why was that?"
"Because I knew inside you're what I want but can never have, so I'm willing to go with the tide. Everything's for the time being-— that's what I think, and I say, sit back and enjoy the ride."
"That's pretty cynical, don't you think?"
"Then prove me wrong, City Boy. Let's see if it works this time."
She reached across the table and touched my arm and instantly I felt on fire.
Waves of heat enveloped me and I was lost in the depths of her eyes.
That's when I knew for sure we had done this before, and were destined to repeat it again, over and over, perhaps to the end of time.