― Samuel Beckett
Decisions
Ever since I came back from Afghanistan I've been struggling with the absurd. I'm haunted by the horrors of war but am right back in it searching for a serial killer when I don't know myself which way to turn or go.
Add to this, the situation I'm in with women―three of them, if I count Flora Franklin―all of them able to bewitch and enchant, opening a fissure that lays bare vast discrepancies in my character.
Is it any wonder that everything with me is push-pull and I'm the poster boy for approach-avoidance?
Why can't I be your simple, average guy with the usual flaws who likes to gamble or to drink? Is that too much to ask?
Yes, I suppose because for me that would be way too easy.
I have to be a tragic hero in the midst of an existential crisis with a sniper plotting to kill me.
So, I end up on on this prolonged learning curve of ars longa, vita brevis and maybe I don't have the luxury to learn because skilfulness takes time and life is short.
That's a thumbnail sketch of where I am right now, feeling a little depressed and threatened after my visit to Forensics. I mean, think about it―Mazie Brooks has convinced me I'm in a trained sniper's rifle sights and simply going outside could kill me.
But what's her advice? Hide inside and stay away from windows. Yeah, that could work for the rest of my life...not likely.
No, I just have to carry on and hope my security detail can protect me.
And thinking about that brings up the subject of Sarah―she left a note for me and insists I find it and read it. Will it explain everything and change my life?
Hardly...but it might shed some light on why she, a happily married woman, passionately kissed me.
It seems some people are blessed to live in interesting times―Me? I'm just cursed to go on living.
I drive home and resign myself to tearing apart the living room looking for Sarah's note. The whole thing is an added annoyance. I mean, how the hell could it just disappear?
She slept on the couch and neatly made the bed and left. Obviously the note had to have slipped between the cushions. So I take apart the couch and there's nothing.
What the hell―is she messing with me?
I put the cushions back and toss the blanket on the couch and surprise, surprise― the note flutters out. It must have gotten folded in with the blanket.
Well, now that I'm vexed, let's see if her explanation was worth the effort. I unfold the note and read the contents.
Dear Scott,
I'm sure you're bewildered by my unusual behaviour, but I'm afraid you may find my explanation equally incredible but still feel I have to attempt it.
Ever since I can remember there's been a man in my dreams and I've simply accepted it. I thought he must be some fiction―possibly my subconscious picturing my future husband. But when I met Marcus he was nothing like him. Then I met you and you were exactly like him. I'm convinced we must have shared a past life as I know I have also shared a previous existence with Marcus. That's why it seems so natural when we're together. There's an unmistakable attraction as I'm sure you've noticed.
I know this sounds insane and fantastical but this has honestly been my experience, whether or not you can accept it. I just felt I had to make an attempt to tell you. I hope you don't think I'm totally deranged but I felt compelled to tell you.
Sarah
Normally this type of explanation I would totally dismiss but as I read it, I began to tremble. I couldn’t believe how much her words moved me even though her whole explanation sounded utterly improbable.
You'd think if her words were true they'd resonate with my experience, but I never had any reason to consider the possibility of past lives and frankly find the whole idea preposterous.
But what does shake me is Sarah's account from her lived experience. It's not something I can relate to but strangely, I believe her. As she said, right from the start, there was an instant bond between us―we both felt it.
Regardless, I've no intention of complicating her life or jeopardizing her marriage. What she wrote may be her truth, but it's not my experience―and the attraction between us is real, but that probably has a more mundane explanation.
Going forward, I'll be frank with Sarah and open about my reactions but when the case is done I expect we'll part ways and that will be the end of it.
Any other possibility would simply be melodramatic. Admittedly, it's an unusual occurrence for her to meet her dream lover, but it's nothing other than that and we have to be practical.
I didn't believe in past lives―in fact, I'm barely hanging onto this one.