I only want to be with someone if I care about their opinion, but that's the hardest thing. Because when I care, it's been my habit to turn myself into whatever they wanted me to be. Ironically, that's the exact reason I've watched people fall slowly out of love with me. There's nothing more painful, than watching someone realize that they don't like you as much as they hoped.
And I know they'll give me the same advice they always do, "just be yourself," and "keep putting yourself out there." But sometimes I wonder if myself is good enough for anyone. Because I watch them fall in and out of love, and I'm twice as disappointed as they are every time. Each time, I'm thinking maybe this time will be different, and each time, it hurts a little more to realize it's just a different partner in the same tired dance.
So, I change myself and I don't show my real face. Because I'm scared to be as ugly as they've led me to believe. I'm scared for who I am to let one more person down. I wish I was strong and brave. But lately I feel like hiding my face.
I know you might feel this way too sometimes. You're not alone. I'm here, feeling this too right now. This is life for us, right now, but things change. There's a lot of beauty here and it's worth sticking around. It's worth finding some trivial anchor to cling to and make it.
