I looked at my friends as they rolled on the floor with laughter.
Tears streamed down their face as they laughed at yet another joke I’d made.
“How boring this clique would be without you Dee,” they’d say.
It wasn’t the first time I heard it.
I doubted it would be the last.
It made me so happy to see that I could make them happy.
Why not give them this happiness?
The happiness that I lacked.
The happiness that I tried so hard to get but never did.
I smile beatifically as they smile back.
Because that was all I knew how to do.
Smile.🙂
A smile on my face when I came back home to yells.
A smile on my face as my stepdad once again turned me to his punching bag.
Hitting me in places people wouldn’t see.
A smile on my face cause I knew my mum couldn’t defend me.
The first and last time she tried,
The belt had turned on her too.
Smiling when I had to go to bed hungry,
Smiling when I had to go to school hungry.
Smiling so much to prevent myself from wincing at how much I ached all over.
Smiling so hard I knew my face would one day crack.
“Dee, you okay? Looks like you zoned out on us.”
I so didn’t want their pity.
And so,
I fix up my face and give them that beaming smile they love.
They don’t like to see me down.
I was the life of the group.
If only they knew how dead I was inside.
Maybe I would tell them the truth.
Maybe one day.
But till then my perfect smiling girl mask is on.
And I have to make sure it stays that way.
At all costs.
Thanks for reading.❤️
