I always trace a lot of things back to high school, more bad stuff than good. Because I feel that was when I was at my craziest and most tomfoolery form. Boy, am I glad to be out of that phase.
I think trying to be something we’re not even if it’s temporary has happened to all of us at least once in our lifetime. We could deny it and it wouldn’t even be lying because many times, we don’t realize that this is what we’re doing, trying to be cool for people to like us. Doing things, saying things, switching our behavioural pattern to get the interest of someone or a group of people. Or to make them like you.
And that’s understandable because at points in our life, there’s this yearning to just be liked. Just be appreciated. When people have nice things to say about anyone, let it be me. When there’s someone that’s appreciated or looked at in admiration, let it be me. But what we failed or maybe still fail to understand that is that not trying to be like. Not trying to fit in. Just being ourselves in our truest forms is what would endear the right people to us.
I’d always prided myself to be above any form of pressure. Peer pressure or otherwise. Many times in school, the cliques I’d be in would dress a particular type of way, or do things a certain way and I wouldn’t do it, because I just didn’t fancy it. And then I’d fan myself mentally in a “bring it on, no one can pressure me,” type of way. But then there was my boy-craze era. It’s weird saying that because I was not crazy enough to flunk a class. I was almost always at the top of my class, but then I liked the way boys did things. I liked the camaraderie they shared. I liked the silly, uninhibited jokes they made. I just liked them.
And so, I actively tried to be called “a guy’s girl.”
Practically shuddering as I type this but yeah it was true. It’s like I was browsing in my head for things I’d do for them to like me, and not even in a romantic way. I wanted them to appreciate me. To see me as one of them. For them to accept me into their circle. I didn’t know how to do it. It’s not nice to say but I sought their validation in a lot of ways. So when I just made a statement and they bursted into laughter and cheered me on like I’d made the joke of the century, I’d preen in happiness and get so elated that they saw me. It helped that naturally, I had a boyish gait. So I thought to myself that this would aid them to forget that I was a girl. And just like me.
Honestly, I was so weird then. But yeah, I dug being called “my gee” a lot. I wasn’t even trying to be tomboyish and that’s the bizarre part. I embraced my girliness with everything in me. I even had boyfriends and love interests. I liked girly things as well. I just wanted to be “liked by the bros.”
So, I’d snitch. Talked about hostel things and things the girls did. I changed my style of talking to their style and would bring crazy stories that were true for the most part about this girl or that and then watch as their eyes would widen in amazement, watch them hang on to my every word. I’d snitch on people I cared about and didn’t see much to it because to me, I was not being malicious about it. But it didn’t matter because I did talk about them and it was plain wrong.
It did backfire. Badly. Like really bad. I can’t even go into it cause it was an insanely long time ago and most of the things I faced are beginning to blur. The girls loathed me. The guys didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I think it was only my boyfriend then who believed I didn’t do it out of spite. I feel like in a way he kind of believed the things they ssid about me but he just had to stand by me because as a sense of responsibility. Lol. Dark times I tell you.
But yeah, I learned. The hard way. When one of them opened up to tell me they had always admired the way I was before and seeing me try so hard was painful to watch, I broke. But that high school incident shaped me so bad. It was like a reformation of my mind and mentality. I still count my words to this day and I’ve learned to be my most authentic self in all situations. Lost a lot but I’d like to think I gained even more.
Be true to you. Always!
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