I’m pretty laid back. It’s one thing I clocked about myself from when I was younger, and until recently, hadn’t changed. When I say laid back in this context, it mostly has to do with goals and ambitions. I’m the kind of person that watches a video or a programme, and decides to get her life on track by 2 am in the morning.
I immediately start writing goals, setting tasks, cleaning my room, preparing a workout routine, basically putting things in order to "change her life," and for the next 24, maybe 36 hours, my life feels like it’s on track. I like the way I feel as I tick off each task that I’ve done. I know that if I continue on this path, I’m on my way to something beautiful.
But after that day’s mark, I stop, and I’m back to square one, probably banking on the next video I’ll watch, a month or two after that day that’ll get me motivated again, and I start making plans again, only to stop at some point. Rinse and repeat.
My sister said that we’re just lucky to be born book smart and street smart, and somehow that intelligence is what is saving us from becoming failures. It was funny, but I totally understood it.
I was the girl that will have a romance or crime or mystery novel in hand up until the very night of a school exam, and on some exam's eve, I’d read for 40 minutes, and go back to my novel for another two hours, but I was always among the top five best students in class. So, yeah, academically and otherwise, I’ve just managed to scale through, most likely because of genetics, but that’s about it.
And then, there’s always that niggling thought that I could have been number one. I could have been exceptional if I'd put in as much work as the other ones did. That maybe, being too laid back is what is making me “just one of” and not at the top as I should be.
That thought usually makes it mark, that I always start off strong probably at the beginning of the semester, or on my way towards meeting that goal, and then I fall by the wayside. Or simply relax. A few people who hear me complain about this would think I’m silly because I’m always on the go, according to them, and they even say I work too hard, but I know myself.
And maybe I am putting pressure on myself but it’s not needless pressure because I do know my capabilities, and I know that I’m not nearly utilizing them. Anyway, all this to say that a month ago, I decided to put an end to all of that. I set my goals like I usually did, but this time I was curious.
Curious to see what would happen if I started, but unlike the other times, I’d stay strong till the end. I’d persevere, and wouldn’t give up till the completion of that task. I’d put in the work, and see if maybe I could surpass being one of the “good ones” to being exceptional. The best.
It was a daunting thought, and I knew I had to let go of a lot of things, emotional baggage, especially, to be able to actualize it. Remembering the minimalist principle of mental decluttering, I had to reach out to that part of me that was holding on to far too many things, and finally lay them to rest. Once and for all.
It’s a work in progress, and my journey to transforming is still underway, but I’m super grateful for the results I’m seeing so far. Hopefully, it gets better. Being laid back is not bad in itself, but if you come from the background, and country, more importantly, that I come from, you just know that you can’t afford to roll like that. Sad, but it’s the truth.
Image is mine.
