I believe the things people say have an impact on us whether we choose to believe it or not. We may take it as a passing statement and believe that it doesn’t affect us, which to an extent might be true but the more we hear it, the more we begin to ponder on it till we subconsciously act on it or it becomes a part of us. That’s how I feel about anxiety download.
I never thought it was a problem. For a long time it felt okay. My friends would say, “One thing about Tessa? She will listen.” And I do listen, even though I have a lot of things I need to accomplish that moment and my time is being taken, even though I find what you're saying uncomfortable and disturbing. Even if the things you’re saying, in a way are detrimental to my wellbeing. I would listen because my thought process was... What if this is the last opportunity this person has to air this out? What if I don’t listen and it costs this person something invaluable? What if I was this person’s last hope to feel heard?
My sister calls it saviour complex. When she’d find me mulling, unable to eat and I’d tell her that what someone had shared with me was disturbing me, she’d say, “You’re not Jesus, Tessa. You can’t always save everybody. Get rid of this obsessive need to try and save everyone. It’s a complex.”
I usually disagreed with her because that’s not what I was doing, was it? I was merely listening. Listening but not stopping there. Cause I never just listen. Mentally, physically or financially, I believed I could make it all better for everyone. Let their problems become mine. And also their anxieties. Let it bother me sometimes far more than those concerned cause I’ll constantly think about it. Because that's what friends do, right?
Being everyone’s safe space was taking a toll on me. Cause all of a sudden I found myself sinking. Sinking and drowning. Suddenly the saviour needed saving and found none. Not because others may not have liked to help. But because the weight of what I was carrying was far too much to bear or even share.
How could I tell my friend that would never leave her physically and verbally abusive relationship that I was tired of listening to her since she never took my advice anyway and I spent each day worrying it would be her last because of the intensity of the abuse? Also that I was tired of helping her cover this up from her family. What if I stopped listening and that was what finally tipped her off the ledge?
You can’t save everyone. That’s how I learnt. Of course this was after I got into trouble with one of the friends I was going insane with worry for. As I nursed the heartbreak of being accused to be a relationship wrecker, my sister’s words played like a mantra in my ear. It is a very intentional resolution. Very intentional and conscious because as a chronic listener, the urge to want to “be there” and potentially “save” the person rears its head every time.
No, I haven’t stopped listening. But I use a filter now. Filter what I listen to and from there still filter what I let affect me. Being polite yet firm with my, "I'd rather you didn't share this with me." Having the knowledge that people’s emotions are theirs and I can’t let that impede my life or my goals has been truly helpful. Like I said, it’s a conscious and continuous effort so I’m hoping to make it last.
Images are mine
