I’ve always thought to myself how I’d feel and act when I see a dream come true. When something beautiful happens to me. Something I’d been waiting for. Something I’d been hoping for. Something I’d been praying steadfastly for. Would I laugh, or would I break down in tears or would I just be quiet. Feeling. Savouring. Living. Basking in the euphoria and the ecstasy of it all.
I remember when the first nice thing happened to me in my adulthood. Joy coursed through my veins. I nearly levitated with the sheer bliss of what was in front of me but I was silent, and then I felt a tap. And I looked up and into the face of my friend who had kind eyed and a searching look. “What’d wrong, Tessa. Why are you silent? Why aren’t you jumping and laughing? What’s the matter?”
I saw her shoulders tense up in that way that showed she was really worried and I let my face break into a smile for her. To reassure her that everything was okay, and then I said, “I’m alright. I’m just processing everything.”
And that’s always how it’s been. In the most joyful of moments. With the pleasure sweeping through my blood stream and seating itself firmly in the cocoons of my mind and body, I remain calm. Nearly unfeeling. Just living. Just processing. Allowing the joy I feel to soak through every pore till it’s been rooted and my skin glows from the inside out, even though my face still remains stoic and impassive.
So when a few hours ago, I heard my name called out and I marched to the front, calmly, each step measured and calculated to be as graceful as a swan, my movements light and dainty, I was prepared for what would happen and even in that dire moment, all was calm in my heart and head still. But then I saw it and it took me time to really see it cause my eyes were all over the place and the most important detail was swimming in and out of my focus.
But then my eyes settled and I really saw it. And let out a shriek that I didn’t think I had. I immediately covered my mouth cause there were hundreds of people there. But in that moment I didn’t see. The world had melted out of existence and into oblivion with what had just happened. In my head, there was only me and what was in my hands. And even as I stared at the paper unbelieving, amid shouts and cheers from those in authority, my heart remained calm.
You worked for this, Tessa.
You worked so hard for this.
You worked tirelessly and you worked even when the fatigue threatened to kill you.
You worked with sweat and tears and sometimes even blood.
You worked when you were happy and worked even harder when your world crumbled around you.
You worked when you could barely breathe, grasping to the worn out strings of your sanity as you felt your existence flip itself over.
You worked amid the mockery, the pressure and the pain.
And now it had paid off.
Beautifully. Classily. Gracefully.
And maybe that’s what real happiness feels like. Knowing that you gave it your all with barely anything left for yourself. And now you’ve been given back in ten fold. All your dreams on a platter of gold. Gratitude overflows my heart. First, to the one above who saw it all through and then to the people who stayed by me unfailingly, without flinching. That even in my lowest when I thought to give up, they held my hands and said, “We’ve got you.” And even when I could walk om my own with renewed strength and vigour, they held me still. I’d crush and build and hold strong for you all.
And finally, I’m grateful to me. Because I’m a champ and I deserve everything beautiful and more. Because I’m flawed and messy but I know when to call myself out and be who I’m truly meant to be. I hope I never stop having reasons to be happy and rejoice. Joy like no other. Forever and a day. Today and always.
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