I think one of the most painful situations in life is when we fail ourselves. There’s a way many people expect us to behave, a belief that they want us to conform to. And it’s alright for the most part. When we don’t meet that expectation, we feel bad about it. But our shortcomings. The things we set for ourselves. The values and principles we place our whole personality on. When we do something that completely overrides those values or falls short of them, it’s a different level of hurt.
We know that there are some things we would never say or do. And when we do it, we feel so low. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I try as much as I can not to compromise on the values I believe in and I did. In a most terrible way.
I think I’ve said before how happy I was that my friends found me a safe space to share their problems. They knew I would listen and most of all that I wouldn’t judge them for anything they said and that they would be guaranteed to hear the truth from me. They were happy. It made me happy. All was good.
And so, this friend of mine, I’ll call her Joy. She was constantly having issues with the guy she was in a relationship with. I frankly didn’t like the guy and told her so on several occasions. But since I noticed that it made her feel bad, I stopped voicing out my displeasure.
Months later, she cried to me that she discovered that he was cheating on her and had been for a long time. I refused to give her the I told you so look in any way and comforted her. She felt okay and not so long after, she moved on.
Then, one day, there was this investment opportunity I discovered. I saw a lot of potential in it so I said to myself that I was going to invest in it. I told my close friends about it, Joy included. And they all urged me on. Except her. She was of the strong opinion that it was a Ponzi scheme and I was going to lose my money. I told her I felt really good about it but she was adamant and asked that I didn’t do it.
And then I blurted out. “If only you were this perceptive in your relationship, maybe you would have realised what was going on right under your nose.” I knew I had messed up the second I ended it. And promptly began to apologize. Since it was over the phone, she was deathly silent. And then when she finally spoke, all she said was, “Wow. So this was how you felt all along? That’s cool. Thanks for everything.” And she hung up.
I don’t think I’d ever felt so ashamed of myself. It was like I’d hit an all-time low. Throwing something she had shared with me so earnestly meant that I was judgemental of her in my heart. Till date, I don’t know where that came from. But it was so terrible for me to fathom the harm I’d caused with one sentence and I couldn’t imagine how much more terrible and betrayed she felt.
I didn’t let the wrong I caused her fester into something so I sent her a text a couple of hours later apologizing profusely. She didn’t reply and I didn’t expect her to. It was a terrible night being able to sleep. But it wasn’t about me so I understood. It was kind of confusing the next day, wondering if I should give her space or talk. But eventually, I tried again. I asked her if I could come over and talk and when she agreed, I got her chocolates. Did it feel like I was bribing her since I knew she loved chocolates? Maybe. But I was confused and needed her to at least not beat me up, figuratively that is. So I got lots of them with me and went to talk to her.
Told her how genuinely remorseful I was and assured her that I didn’t judge her in any way. She spoke her mind. Said how sad she felt that I’d use something like that against her. It was a pretty long conversation and I was shamefaced for the most part but we resolved and hugged and it made me so happy that we were okay. It took more than that to forgive myself however but I eventually did it.
That event was about a year and a half ago but I learnt a huge lesson from it. I’m sure she’s long forgotten about it but I never made that same mistake again. I feel it’s beyond low, using the things people share with us against them. It’s not a nice thing to do no matter how mad you are at that person. You can say your piece, be mad or lash out without using people’s insecurities against them or throwing their secrets at their faces.
We learn and grow every day. Let’s never forget the importance of being nice to everyone around us.
Image is mine.
