SLC Punk, Self-Pity & Subsidence Prevailing

What do you do when your foundation falls apart? I don't know. They don't teach you that in school.
Stevo, SLC Punk

As the world seems to be getting ready to reopen, I’ve been hit with some devastating news in regard to my music career in the past couple of days, and it’s leaving me feeling so uncertain. More uncertain than I felt two weeks ago, and there’s a fear accompanying this uncertainty that’s really hard to resolve right now.

I’m a full-time musician. When the shutdown happened, musicians were immediately shut down. Live music gatherings were one of the first things to go when things started closing. And moreso, it’s been difficult to get any kind of assistance for many as gig workers—a lot of us don’t even claim income, so there’s a myriad of difficulties that go along with that. Anyway.

I’ve been so hopeful that this will pass and that things will slowly start to get back to normal—but that attitude is changing based on some stuff I learned lately. It’s starting to feel like this is a new phase I wasn’t prepared for.

Here’s what’s happened in the past 24 hours.

Yesterday, I woke up to a message from one of my recurring gig locations—a pizza parlor here in Springfield that has historically had me out to play once a month during the summer months. It’s an easy gig—the money is good, and the crowds are nice and pretty generous with their tips. I’ve reached a lot of new followers through this venue, and it’s a good place for families to be able to see and hear live music because while they do have a bar, it’s separated from the dining room, and the stage is there. It’s an all-around solid gig.

My booking contact at this place messaged me yesterday morning to let me know that they’ve cancelled all live music through summer 2021 unless a vaccine is available before then. All of it. So, for myself and for a number of other solo and duo performers here in town, that gig is completely off the books. I had already missed a date with them from this current crisis, and was looking forward to adding the reschedule to my book...but now that’s a complete loss.

Yesterday I spent most of the day trying to deal with those feelings of being let down. When I went to bed, a huge wave of fear swept over me and sent me into a crying frenzy. I had a small panic attack, and then breathed through it—telling myself that things will get better.

Then, this morning I woke up to the news that a local dive bar that’s been a relentless supporter of live local music isn’t going to reopen when this is all over. It’s been one place in this town where I can always schedule a gig. The owners are nice people who support all genres of music. They’re a retired couple and the bar was their fun retirement career—so, I guess this time allowed them to evaluate what they really wanted to do, and this is their decision.

I can’t blame anyone for making the decisions they’re making—I mean, I get it. People are concerned about safety, and they’re concerned about their own preservation and make those decisions based on what they think is best. I’m all about safety and I’ve respected and been in favor of all the stay-at-home orders, because I know it’s the right thing to do. But this hurts, and it feels like it’s the beginning of a wave that I need to get used to. It’s a side effect in all of this that I just wasn’t prepared for. At all.

Maybe I was just totally naive in thinking that this would have an end point and that life would go back to normal.

Where were we going? I mean, really, what was happening? This life, it was crazy. I felt tired. I mean, halfway through the season, I just felt, inside, I was so tired. And I had this wave of melancholy just like sweep through me.
Stevo, SLC Punk

I’ve tried so hard to stay positive through all of this. But these are a couple of crushing blows, and I’m wondering what’s next. It feels like a rug is being pulled out from under me and I know I’m not alone these feelings, but still being so far away from people has me feeling very alone. Like, so alone.

The other side of this, too, is that I know a lot of people who have felt dreary during this time are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel—but I’m feeling like this is the beginning of the end of my music career and I’m not really sure if I should feel that way or what I’m going to do if this is really the reality I need to face.

I literally have zero idea as to what I should do now.

...and when I don’t know what to do, a lot of times I just shut down. I’ve been fighting these feelings for so long at this point, and I don’t want to shut down—but I feel it happening. My motivation to do anything is just totally waning, and I’m just feeling like I’m in a pit right now. Keep rehearsing? What’s the point?

There's nothing going on. That's what I saw when I looked out over the city: nothing.
Stevo, SLC Punk

When does this end?

What is it going to look like when this passes?

Are musicians and other creators going to be left in the dust after this?

Is the era of local live music over?

It’s so hard to not have self-pity right now. I’m trying not to get sucked into that cycle right now—but I’m treading water. This is hard.

You see life is like that. We change, that's all. You see, the guy I am now is not the guy I was then. If the guy I was then met the guy I am now he'd beat the shit out of me. Those are the facts.
Stevo, SLC Punk

Cover image taken by and used with permission from @jasonrussell & @melodyrussell
Hive gif courtesy of @derangedvisions