i was out in the forest, running on the trails (more like dancing than running but it could be disguised as running if at any time I felt embarrassed about what I was doing; if at any time i stopped imagining myself dancing on the grave of patriarchy) yesterday, having my inner experience. Yesterday particularly it was along the lines of having an intention for my time out there which tended towards getting a re-arrangement, a re-attunement, a re-membering of myself and my place in this time and space.
As i've mentioned before (if not here, somewhere, I am certain of it) I have a vibrant inner life. From time to time I find myself drifting off into some fantasy, usually having to do with romantic relationships (this is the programming i am working on correcting after realizing how heavily our culture focuses on romantic love to the detriment of the rainbow of other kinds of love (which I am beginning to be convinced might actually be more fulfilling than we've been led to believe romantic love should be)). last years' interpersonal explorations were based on my desire for intimacy - and I'm not talking strictly sexual - while it's nice this is another thing we've been sold as being of ultimate importance to the detriment of other important things - but I'm talking about real intimacy. into-me-see intimacy. where you allow someone to see you and they allow you to see them. From my experiences with it, the more intimate the relationship, the more you understand how the other person's mind works, the easier it is to communicate with them, the more you trust them.
and honestly, taking all the words away, what i truly desire is to be known by someone else. known to the depths. known down to the depths and still accepted. still seen.
love is noticing. for me. take my cats for instance. I notice what they do. I have a very intimate relationship with my cats because they are with me nearly every day and usually in close quarters. I know what each of them likes, I know how they each seek attention, i know them. They let me see who they are. And this is not something that just came about overnight; it has taken lots of close, careful observation for me to arrive at this place. I even know what their breath smells like and sometimes miss it when i am away from home. I would love to be known like this; for someone to notice the curious idiosyncrasies of what i do on the daily. To be known to that extent.
But, arises the question of is it possible to be truly fully known? Just reflecting on my inner experience in the forest yesterday, how would it even be possible to share that with someone, if I can't even articulate it for the steemit subscribing population or in words? I really can't speak about it, because I don't have the words. And when it's just me, that is fine; it does help to journal to practice getting stuff out into the air, but I typically have the experience and try not to intellectualize it too much because it detracts from the experience itself. How could another person truly know what it is like to ride along in my head with me? So based on this, I'm starting to wonder whether the kind of intimacy I am hoping for, can only truly fully be developed with what I refer to as the "cloud." The cloud of all possible human experience. The database to which all of our experiences, every single one of them, are uploaded through the living of them. That it is enough for my experience to be lived, it will be shared with the cloud in its raw form, no need for interpretations or translations by me, contributed to the database of human experience, for anyone to draw upon when needed.
