"Felix we will be heading home in the next two days' ' Selena said to his 12 year old son. He was in his usual spot at the window looking at nothing. It seems that calms him down and has become his favorite ever since the tragedy.
I was expecting a few sentences which were his usual words, the silence in the room resonated my anticipation but instead it fell back to nothing. With no response from him, I guess his therapist is doing a good job. A little improvement then.
"Pack up then" I took one step to the exit and the unexpected came.
"You act like everything is okay '' I turned back to him. I have missed my boy's voice. I wanted him to pour it out, all that he held inside of him. I wanted it all out on me. My boy is suffering, suffering inside of him. I have tried several times to speak to him, to make him see the light of every bad nightmare.
I walked over to where he stood, he was facing me, droplets of tears down his cheek. I wanted him to let it go for just a moment and be my little cute baby once more. I have watched him since then, he shut out all his friendships, just in his room at the corner of the window looking out. When he gets tired, he goes to the attic.
"Everything is going to be fine, sweetie" I tried to console him.
"No mum, nothing is fine, nothing is going to be fine. I killed her. I killed her"
"Shu……..
This is my boy for 4 years now, cold, silent with a troubled heart. I could feel it. I'm not going to lose this one again.
"Hey! You didn't kill anyone. Okay" I kissed his forehead but it didn't work the magic of keeping him calm.
"Mum she is here" he said with his tiny voice.
"Who's here?" I looked around checking for anyone in sight.
"Zara is here" I couldn't hold back my tears, I have tried severally to act strong in front of my son but this time I couldn't. I cried a river every night without any consolation. I have tried several times to get my son back,my source of joy. It seems harder than I thought. My son is not psychic.
"Shu..shu.. I believe you sweetie" I hugged him tightly.
"I love you mum" he said in between sobs. He doesn't know what those words mean to me. I leap for joy. If most days could be like today. I hugged him, it felt peaceful with hope. I wanted to be here,I wish to be here under a tight hug with my son and watch him say those words to me, those comforting words.
He was willing to travel and we are all here, in my parents house. He ran and hugged grandma, grandpa left a few years back that same day. It was a nightmare. My boy was coming back to life,he ran to Auntie Calista. I was at one corner of the house watching him.
"Come here Selena, it's been like a decade now" my mother's voice distracted me from the entertainment I was giving to myself.
I gave her a long hug, she panted my back like she understood the heavy burden I was going through. It was that day. 23rd of December, the day of my worst nightmare. We have all travelled home to spend Christmas. The day I lost the three most important people in my life. My Christmas has turned to mourning. I went grocery shopping. Zara, my 8 years old daughter together with Felix were home when I left, but came back to see my daughter lifeless.
Felix went on a bicycle ride with Zara down the road path clashing the bicycle on a big truck tree which sent Zara hooked on the tree with the branch piercing through her stomach. She died a few minutes after Felix called for help. Ever since then my boy has blamed himself for his sister's death. He hasn't recovered from the tragedy since then, it was that same day I lost grandpa and Henry, my husband.
The forbidden place he doesn't want to set his foot on is now a place of abode. It hurts so much but today was their 5th remembrance.
"Mum they are all in heaven" I nodded at my boy after he placed his flower on Zara's grave.
