My apologies… that wasn’t a very nice greeting haha! but in all honesty, it is just a vocal expression of how I am feeling right now! In fact I am sitting here writing this, with absolutely NO idea what the hell I am actually going to write about or why I am even writing this in the first damn place…. But alas, here I am! Today marks 21 days of not even stepping so much as out of my front door and we have a minimum of another 14 days to go! I actually think I have handled it pretty well for the most part, and by “well” – all I mean is not completely losing my shit or the plot on a daily basis haha! My routine (of ANY kind) has gone for a complete ball of @%&$#! Not only am I not getting to most of the stuff I would do on a regular basis but I also simply don’t seem to care enough about it lately either. Stuff that was right at the top of my priority list for a very long time, lost it’s rank fast and furiously!

My daily priorities at this point in time are keeping myself and my family that are with me – sane, entertained and well looked after and attempting to keep myself together emotionally because that is what a good mother does and I actually think a good portion of my “mental day” goes to me still trying to process everything that is unfolding around the world. That in itself is bloody exhausting.

I actually read an article a little earlier on today which pretty much told all these “lockdown motivators” to fnck off! And I agree! Yes, I think we are all doing our best – but that is all relative to each individual and their specific circumstances… nobody has the right to sit in their arm chair and dictate to another that “if at the end of this lockdown, they have not learnt a new skill, developed some kind of side hustle, or gained some knowledge, then they didn’t lack the time – but simply the discipline.” I am by no means in anything CLOSE to “harshest of conditions” as far as this lockdown goes and even I am taking strain… so I have one thing to say to the person, whomever they may be that came up with that monumentally insensitive excuse for a quote… and that is – “firstly, screw you and secondly – please just sit down and keep quiet – because you don’t know what the bloody hell you are talking about!”.

In our house, we are currently four people and one dog. The house is two storeys, has a bedroom for each of us, a front garden, a back garden and a courtyard. We ALL have laptops, access to television, gaming setups and technology in all respective rooms as well as in the main entertainment areas. We have plenty of food, wine and stuff to keep us busy and after 21 days even we are beginning to climb the walls. We have played the games, baked pretty much everything we swore we never would, washed dishes 15 times a day, done the laundry, read the memes, watched the live concerts and we even have a permanent karaoke setup in our lounge now lol… no really – our poor neighbours haha!

But my point is, there are people in this world who are living in situations which are almost impossible to process. There are people living ten plus in spaces smaller than my lounge, who now have no access to food or money, they don’t have ANY of the luxuries that we do… they don’t even have their own toilets!!! They share these fundamentals with literally hundreds of other people. So, tell me again you self-absorbed, arrogant TWAT… just how those people should be dealing with not only the physical aspects of this situation but the emotional and psychological ones too! And people wonder why the states of “rage and riot” are beginning to kick in. And let’s not forget that here in South Africa we are under one of the strictest lockdowns in the world. We are not even allowed to go for a walk… alone. All nicotine and alcohol sales have been banned too, so as you can imagine… in the poverty stricken, drug dominated areas of our cities… that is going down fabulously!

Everyone seems to be a bloody expert on how everyone else should be handling all of this and I am so tired of it! Each to their own and each in their own time too! Today is the first time in ages that I decided to sit down and write something and albeit a useless vent – I will admit that I feel better than I did about 30 minutes ago when I began.

I think most of you know that I generally a thorough advocate for “pushing through” tough times as well as finding the positives in what can often seem an incredibly overwhelming circumstance but the reality is that sometimes you also just need to take a few steps back – and catch your breath! I know I have had to – more than a few times. The situation we all find ourselves in at the moment is unchartered territory on all fronts and patience for processing is a vital aspect of “successfully” navigating through all of it – in my opinion anyway.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to perform at the levels which you normally do. Do not allow people around you to make you feel bad for that either! Much like ANY other circumstance… we all have completely unique paths to a similar end goal and we also handle things differently on emotional and psychological levels. I have had a lot of guilt lately for not fulfilling many of the things I would normally and also not only for my lack of presence but my lack of desire to be present. I have come to the realisation and decision that this is BULL SHIT and I am NOT going to beat myself up about it anymore either!
If I want to and I can – I will… if not, I won’t! Simple as that!

I have caught wind of a similar kind of sentiment floating around in many online spaces, so I just thought I would share that… because sometimes it can help to hear it from someone else, rather than you constantly just trying to convince yourself.

Anyhoooooooooo….. it felt good to ramble a little! Maybe I will try and become a little more consistent with it… but no promises! For now, I will stick to the scribbles in between!