Alright, I am back around again to spell out my ponderous thoughts and mayhaps (if I am lucky) clear my mind of some of what is lurking 'around the edges' in it. Since, I am well aware of having not been in the greatest head-space over the last few years... making these entries needs to start taking more priority because they may well be the only damned thing keeping me even close to remaining on an even keel.
Per usual, I have also been thinking about the journey that I have made over the previous decade (with sharing my life and such) and although (on some truly messed up level) it has been good for developing my writing, not feeling super isolated or alienated from others and all that jazz... it has also been a massive fucking failure in damned near every way possible. Given that failure will never 'make or break me' it is no wonder that I keep chugging along (the way that I do) because at least I am successfully archiving said failures!
I know that plenty of folks would be 'angry at the world' or just be downright resentful at this point... but alas (to the great chagrin of many) I am undoubtedly made of sterner stuff. For what it is worth, I often get quite the chuckle at watching the 'circle-jerk crowd' congratulating/rewarding each other as if what they are doing is actually meaningful... or whether it is actually contributing to anything other than someone else's (or their own) bottom line in a strictly monetary way.
In other words, I see it all for the shallowness that it truly is... and no amount of 'mulling it all over' ever results in me going: Wow they are really nailing it when it comes to showing the true nature of their 'awesome' humanity. I mean there is 'excelling at something' and then there is excelling at something and whoa so many folks are just 'knocking it out of the fucking park' in that regard.
The truly shit part for me personally, is that those kinds of folks tend to project that very same shallowness (that their words and actions continually put on full display) onto everyone else that they encounter. To those folks, I just have this to say: Some of us actually value what is important and your small minded shit opinions and/or projections matter less than zero to anyone with half a fucking brain and the ability to think for themselves.
I get it though, because in all too many folk's minds everyone is out for themselves, everyone serves the almighty 'dollar' and everyone is out to take advantage (or trick) everyone else. There is an old saying that comes to mind in regards to all that jazz... and it goes like this: Bullshitters only truly bullshit themselves.
For my part, I mainly just stay in my damned lane in life... and keep moving forward the best that I can without carrying around a bunch of hate, anger or resentment in my heart. Which honestly, is a hell of a lot trickier than it sounds considering the monumentally-sized piece of shit humans that I tend to encounter along the way... but that said... it is also a hell of a lot easier than it sounds... because (although rare) there are folks that are genuine, authentic humans... whom have not replaced their inherent value with monetary aspirations, consumerism and product fetishism.
Do not worry, I totally get why folks 'swim in the shallow end of the pool' and why the 'road most traveled' is so damned appealing to them... given how well it unshackles folks from having any desire to be responsible stewards of the planet... instead of treating it the way a parasite treats a host. Not to overuse a popular saying but: Infinite growth in a finite system is the very definition of cancerous behavior.
Anyways, I did not anticipate all that 'popping out of me' when I sat down to write this... but lately I have been thinking a lot about the 'sharing aspect' of my life (in regards to the previous decade) and how (a few million words later) I am not really all that better off than I was before. That thought (oddly enough) is always accompanied by a lurking suspicion that I would have been much better off keeping my fucking mouth shut, not sharing fuck all with the world... and generally sparing myself the fucking all encompassing absolute headache I have dealt with (both mentally and technically) along the damned way!
If you are reading this and seeing anger in my words... then let me spell this out to you in a very clear and concise manner: Try keeping your fucking petty projections to yourself... because most folks have never dealt with a tenth of the hardship that I have... and thus they have zero understanding as to how it is possible (for someone that has) to not just 'rise above' such things... but to not let them shape them into something wholly callous... or even worse... something vile.
To be utterly clear here, when I look around at my 'fellow humans'... it is not 'anger' that rises in my heart, nor is it resentment that rises in my thinking... it is that I feel a deep sadness... and utter bewilderment that this is the best version of reality that folks are willing to create. Not to reiterate what I have said in other entries overly much... but when eight point something billion people are willing to be lead off the proverbial cliff by a few thousand people... it is not survival of a subjugated people... it is a moral and ethical failing of a deeply flawed species... that no amount of whitewashing can actually conceal.
If that sounds cynical or pessimistic to you, just feel a small bit of relief that I tend to keep my actual cynical (and more pessimistic) thoughts to myself... and what I am talking about in the previous paragraph is a well documented historical fact and not speculation on my part. I think that anyone that is actually being honest with themselves can understand that the gap between the alleged 'ethos' of humanity... and humanity actually practicing said ethos... is well... something of damn near 'mythic' proportions given the breadth of said gap.
All of which kind of brings me around to why I first started writing this evening, which is to spell out more of my thoughts on the current 'technological arc' in regards to artificial intelligence. Which should not be all that surprising to folks... since that is about the only thing that I have been focused on of late... because I have been putting in some incredibly long hours doing 'ai kernel' development.
By and large, I feel pretty good about the current state of my projects... and although I am sure there are bugs, typos, misconfigurations (and all kinds of stuff like that) in some of the kernels (and their documentation) I really do not spend much time worrying about them. I know that sounds bad... but during the reiteration process I do actually tend to catch the bulk of the problems... and regardless of if I 'create a mountain of trash' in the process... I am always focused on the 'polished gem' of the final result.
There is also the fact that small errors are not as big of a hurdle as they are in traditional coding because the LLM can 'see' the flaw... and then correct it before the implementation process. All of which is pretty awesome but unless the LLM 'pipes up' about the error/flaw (that it internally corrected) and I do not notice it... it may well persist through numerous builds before I (or the LLM) actually addresses it.
I also want to point out (yet again) that I have been working on all this stuff for several years now... and at this stage I am sharing the systems that I have mostly dialed in to a functional level (acceptable by me) with the hope that others might find it all useful one way or another. Needless to say, I have zero profit motivation in it all, I do not give a damn how 'crazy' it all looks (or makes me look)... and I damned sure am not 'schilling' fuck all to anyone... and especially not to folks that I do not even have any respect for... so if anyone feels that applies to you... then get the fuck over yourself... and mayhaps go the extra mile and realize that your 'money' will never have more value than my personal integrity.
As far as Hive itself goes, I am pretty 'meh' about the platform overall at this juncture... and as long as the 'capitalists' keep steering it into the dirt for their own profit... that 'meh-ness' will not be budging. Given how much 'low effort' content on here gets rewarded... not for its merit or value... but for whom is posting it and how much their account balance reads I just look at it all for what it is: A system nearly milked dry by a bunch of parasitic fucks that erroneously think that monetary value equals some sort of 'superiority' to others... all while actively claiming some 'moral high ground' or some other horseshit like that.
To use the language that those kinds of folks tend to speak... let me put it this way: The market has spoken and although I doubt that most of those folks have the actual capacity to do it... they should at least attempt to heed the only thing they actually believe in... which is the aforementioned market! Some folks measure how 'good' they are (or just their value) by the choices they make, the folks they are able to help and so forth... but I get why others do not do it... because doing that takes more actual humanity than puckering your lips around the asshole of materialism... and telling yourself you are drinking from the fountain of life.
Well, on that note I think I am going to wrap this entry up... because I seem to have gotten it all out of my system... and I now need to spend my time focusing on something that is actually productive. Ciao for now.
