I don't place a whole lot of value on staying home. Cooking and cleaning. I should. I really should place importance on important tasks like making sure a kitchen is clean and organized, which I do well after on and off years working with veterinarians in surgery.
Woe to anyone who didn't put a surgical tool back precisely or neglected to keep a stack of surgical packs sterile and ready to go.
I learned rather quickly how to eat my sandwich, monitor a beloved pet's breathing under anesthesia and be ready for whatever my vet needed at a seconds notice.
I was reflecting on my past work while I watched the way I cleaned the kitchen, reminiscent of cleaning exam rooms. Funny, how years of work creep into day to day routines.
When I eat out, I'm embarrassed to say, I still catch myself clenching my left fist under a cafe table pointing my feet towards the exit door in a nervous stance. All of those years of half hour lunches, punching timecards and threats of losing a job over tardiness. I still can't relax completely eating lunch out. My body memory reacts ready for the bell to ring, the clock to tick a warning call to go back to work.
I wish I felt more comfortable and found myself worthy in domestic tasks. I do know how critical it can be for a home to run smooth, the abundance of a full pantry, a well tended garden, clean folded laundry and a sparkling bathroom.
The funny thing is, I'm good at home keeping and I really do enjoy it.
It's after a couple of days staying home that the worry sets in. I start feeling like I'm not producing. Here come the shoulds. I should be making more money.
I catch myself not enjoying the moment of just accepting the moment.
Last night, I made baked ziti. It turned out so good, we practically polished off the full tray. I made chili in the slow cooker. I boiled, simmered and baked through the afternoon. I folded laundry. I organized. I read my book. I fixed a cup of tea.
Tomorrow, I am taking care of three sweet equines at a horse barn across town for the next three days. I'm teaching myself to let the work come to me, to be present and open to the ebb and flow of it, to know the universe will place what is needed before me in it's own time.
In the meantime, I can relax.
