November 4, 2023
"Life is about accepting the journey along the way, choosing to keep moving forward, and savoring the journey."*
-Roy T. Bennette
How often do you write in your journal? There have been happenings recently that made me take out my diary. That's when I found out how long I have been keeping it since the last day I updated it in 2019. When I read my late father's diary, I realized how important it is, especially when you leave the world unexpectedly without telling the real story. Things that people don't know about you will be learned in your diary, including your thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions, grudges, happiness, and secrets. Unclear things will be clarified. There are still questions, though, that are left unanswered about my father's passing. Hopefully, someday, I will understand everything.
And just last night, I was done watching the Taiwanese series called Someday or One Day wherein Diary is also part of it. These recent happenings just coincide with the LOH 158 topic which I guess reminds me to update my Diary more often from now on.
Dear Diary
As gloomy as the weather this morning, my feelings are. This isn't my choice, I just couldn't help it. It happens naturally which I want to alter if I can. As posted on my Twitter recently, "I want to bring my old self/life back" as I feel like I'm not the real me recently. I wish I could find my real self soon. Because honestly, it sucks living in this dark world. I'm not the once enthusiastic, determined, and goal-oriented lady. I'm lost and can't find the right track.
In the series I watched recently, Someday or One Day, am I Chen Yun Ru, who badly wants to be Huang Yu Xuan forever? Am I an outcast? Does being an introvert impact my life positively? As I looked at myself in the mirror and reminisced about what my life has been, I realized how bad my life is, but in the eyes of other people, it isn't. They just don't know the real story. I rather keep it in my sleeves and don't share it, not even in this diary.
Days pass too quickly. It's been 32 days since you were laid to rest and 43 days since you left us, Father. I wish you would visit me in my dreams. Honestly, I have a lot of questions that you need to answer. Those questions keep bothering my mind, and I can't be at peace if they remain unanswered. I wish I hadn't read your diary. It put my mind in such confusion that only your answer could put my mind back at ease. Please, even just once, visit me in my dreams.
How many times did I tell myself to move on and just keep moving forward? Words are easy to say but hard to act on. Can I not be too stubborn and just listen to what is right? I hope so. But, can I not be okay? Because they said it's okay not to be okay. It's easy to smile back when people smile at me. But deep inside, I am crying.
But then realizations hit me. Just like in the series I watched, "I'm not an outcast; I'm not a loner; I can be happy. It's just that I have a lot of expectations for the world. Maybe I can lessen them. About the unanswerable questions, hopefully, someday or one day, I'll get the answers I deserved to regain my old self, and learn to savor the journey again.
Until next time...for now, just keep moving forward...
People are probably fed up with reading my sentiments again and again. But the hell I care! I just want to release these heavy feelings until I get better.
Anyway, thanks 
(All photos are mine)
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