Ever since the truth came out that methane is one of the greatest contributors to the destruction of life on this planet it has become apparent to one and maybe a few others that this needs to be taken care of.
Although the numbers of Bison have been reduced, they have since been replaced with cattle, who seem to be blamed for all the methane problems.
However, the fact of the matter is, rarely anyone, except for a few radical extremists who want to “cull humanity” have realized that it isn’t the grass grazing animals that have increased in numbers, it is us humans.
There are seven billion methane producing creatures on this planet whose rear end muscles that a planet was named after (Uranus) by some bloggers estimates, keep letting out in excess of 7 trillion tankers worth of methane.
So rather than blame those poor innocent cattle, or look up to those who wish to cull humanity and along side that change the recipes at some of the best known restaurants so as to include beetles and beetle juice. No not the TV character, but the little critters that are called creepy crawlys.
i.e.
“Two all bug patties, special beetle sauce, lettuce, tofu on a sesame seed gluten free bun.”
This new ingredients list has caused an uproar among many people. Mainly because it can’t be said in under a certain amount of seconds, hence the promotional give away deals whereby kids were given a free soda/soft drink/juice of their choice is now no longer possible.
It will destroy the whole experience and joy of getting stuff for free and hence ruin the utopia that so many so dearly wish to see.
So how do we tackle these world shattering issues in a way that will make all the greenies happy and not slaughter or starve cattle to death, not put a smile on the faces of those who dream of wiping out two thirds of humanity and keep the food we eat bug free?
Introduce a new cryptocurrency to finance the collection of all the methane and bottle it for camping stoves.
How marvelous is that!
With the current 5G network already being worked on to upgrade it gradually all the way to the ultimate brainsizzling 666G it is possible to introduce methane tracking sensors and applications into phones. Then into chips and after that into nanotech that can be injected into peoples arms.
So whenever a person lets one rip without attaching a bottling hose with a portable gas bottle attached to it, an automatic fine will be issued.
This tech can be used not only for humans, but for all forms of 2 or 4 legged creatures that let ‘em rip during the day or night.
All funds raised from the presale will go towards not only coding the app, but also into endless marketing and travelling around the world, covering the costs of various business meetings and the procurement of an acoustic guitar so that the CEO can strum on it as he talks with the average investors, to lighten the mood. After all, there may be a few sore rear ends out there.
Likewise, some of the funds will also go towards the hairdresser costs of the CEO. We have to ensure he looks professional at all times, saving the world is somewhat of an important task and we can’t have his hair all messy when on live conference calls.
This initial sale will be named “Let ‘em Rip”
Once the initial accumulation is over and done with and the funds are allocated to the above listed and possibly some other things too, the ecosystem will be simple.
For every person who downloads the app, purchases the BEEFY hose and gas bottles, STOLE COINS will be issued for every m3 of methane recorded. Likewise, there will be additional STOLE COINS issued once the methane is handed in to the gas depositories or filling stations, where it shall be canned and shipped to the super markets for their camping sections.
Imagine the numbers of happy campers out there!
Every time they cook up a storm of thunder producing camping foods, not only will they enjoy a good overcooked meal, while enjoying the aroma of natural gas, they will afterwards be able to reap the rewards from the methane produced.
& all by simply shoving a hose up where the sun doesn’t shine and bottling it!
The printing of coins will exclusively be based on the amounts of gas produced.
The implanted gas sensors will do all the calculations 24/7 and there will be no mistake in the digital printing presses and dispersion.
Likewise, until the 666G network is in full force, thermal sensors with DNA recognition will be installed all over cities and other public places.
Save the planet.
Save gas.
May very easily become the driving factor that changes the world as we know it.
Saving not only humanity from extinction, but also the cattle and not to mention all those poor little bugs too.
This ozone saving, methane bottling and upcycling lifesaving cryptocurrency along with all the uppity ups aka BEEFY Hoses, will be the future of our worlds ecosystem, camping trips and possibly even the entire catering industry.
The plan is to ensure legislators who are definitely full of gas ensure that all public facilities and buildings are equipped with BEEFY hoses, that cater to all sizes, along with fines for letting methane escape so recklessly.
The above satirical text is not deliberately promoting or mocking anyone or anything.
If anyone feels that we are JABbing them with this satire, then too bad so sad, go look for a safe space or go find someone who allegedly cares. We don’t!
We do not promote or wish for anyone to go out and start shoving anything up into any hole in their body or the body of any other creature. Leave that job to the Customs Officers at the airports.
We do not claim that anything stated about any type of “STOLE COIN” in any way, manner, context or form is factual.
If anything may in any way resemble anything seen, heard, experienced or not in any way, who cares, that obviously wasn’t and isn’t the intention, sort of, maybe, idk. Who cares.
In the event that there is a “STOLE COIN” out there, or if one is to come about at any time in future, all we can say is “F#CK IT”, and it is sure not anything related to this satirical text.
The one and only thing that we can definitely say, without ripping one is:
If you don't get it, then this world in trouble!
& yes, you can let one rip for now.
