And that dream is this reality. I had been searching for answers. Searching for purpose. Searching for love. And I had been searching without knowing what I was looking for, at least not really. All I knew at the beginning of this journey was that there were things that I didn't like about myself. Things that I didn't like about my life.
That was the starting point. That something wasn't right. It was all I knew for so long. It was the spark that inspired this quest. And I'm so grateful for that spark.
Bufo, the sacred toad, finally allowed me a glimpse of the "end", though I use that word very loosely. I have seen our totality and the magnificence of our Consciousness in it's fully developed state. Or at least, what appears to be its "fully developed" state from my current perspective. I'm sure that will change, and continue to change as I continue to learn more and experience more. But from where I sit right now, what I experienced has become the new bar for my existence. I have felt the pulse of the earth echoed in my own heart beat. I have spoken with creation in a language so innate that it transcends thought. I now know what I have been looking for, and it's so much better than I ever could have imagined.
One moment that has stayed vivid in my mind from this Bufo experience is when I returned to the physical, but was still very much in a state of hyper-awareness and understanding. I didn't have as much of this in-between state in the previous experience and I think it was the most powerful part this time around. Like I mentioned in my previous post, this time was in the city and I was hoping that doing it in this setting would help me integrate my learnings better into my work as a sound healer and in my everyday interactions with others. I guess I had set that intention without really realizing that it was an intention, but it was a powerful one. I think being in this in-between state was meant to show me how the integration can happen and what it could feel like. I can remember being on my stomach and rolling over to my back as the Shaman played his wooden flute and I clasped my hands together gleefully, marvelling with playful wonder at the magnitude of our creative power. It's boundless. It's unfathomable in our earthly state, but Bufo allowed me to acknowledge and appreciate it to a small degree.
It would have been so easy to stay in that place for longer. It seemed so brief. Too brief. But that's where the work comes in. Now that I know what I am searching for, and what it feels like to be there, it's easier to find again. I was very frustrated yesterday, trying to understand why it couldn't be like that always. Why couldn't I feel that way forever? Today, I'm feeling more grounded and more appreciative of the journey. I was also able to access that state again in my meditation this morning, and that has shown me what the meditative state CAN be. I'm learning patience, and to be patient with my learning of patience...hahaha. We have eternity to discover, create and explore. There is no need to rush. We are always at the perfect place and each moment is exactly how it is meant to be. Making small changes and small progress consistently will always triumph over extremes, and that is something I am striving towards.
I truly believe that what we're all searching for is a feeling. Every one of our actions is motivated by wanting to feel safe, loved, accepted, whole. This experience was all of that, and more.
My advice to you: keep searching. Trust that there is something worth searching for. It is more beautiful than your wildest dreams.
Stay tuned ;)
Jackie O
