I woke up today to remember the one thing that kept me up at night was gone. My feud with the love of my life. I don't know how I dragged him into my sour thoughts but I consumed him with hurtful words on Monday and when he did not talk to me throughout Tuesday, I felt like dying.
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I couldn't sleep, and while I lay tossing in bed as sleep eluded me, I remembered, I still had the last molly he used to teach me how to smoke. I don't know how I reached into my bag and found it there. I did not waste any time lighting it up and poofing the air into my lungs and out of my nostrils.
It wasn't long before the sleep that eluded me came begging and I succumbed. Waking up to my reality on Wednesday morning did not make everything better. I dreaded the whole day and kept checking my messages to see if he had said anything.
I wanted to give him space to be angry and I did not want to leave my ego aside and reach out first. But I was dying inside. I tried covering it up by reading more posts, dropping comments, and engaging on threads. Wednesday was worse than Tuesday, because I had gone two days without hearing his voice, and I was already feeling like a lost puppy.
So when he called in the evening, I pretended to be upset about why he called and picked it up.
"Hello, I'm at your gate, can you open it for me?" He said the moment the line clicked open.
"How are you at my gate by this time of the night," I pretended I was upset about being disturbed.
Usually, he would prank me with it when he shows up unannounced. But this time I really wanted it to be true because I couldn't bear another day without him in the picture.
"I'm serious. I'm here. Please, open it for me," he said in a sober tone and convincing tone.
"Great! I am coming but know that I had already locked my doors and planned to retire to bed," I said acting as though I did not want to see him.
Truthfully, right before his call came in, I had my rooms swept and locked the doors. I allowed my phone to play a few uplifting songs to encourage me to fall asleep since another smoke wasn't in handy. As soon as my hands touched the doorknob in my bathroom, his call came through.
Unlocking the doors, I walked past my landlady's house, and her garden, matching with excitement and fear of what to expect, I proceeded to open the gate. He stood there, looking as handsome as always. I heaved fearfully and left the gate wide to ease his entrance.
We walked back to my apartment, I bolted the door behind us, I sat on my bed, and he chose to stand.
"Babe, what's going with us", he asked with sadness written all over his face.
I could see he missed me as much as I missed him. I wanted to reach out and hold him close but I didn't think it was right since I was yet to apologize for hurting him.
"What do you mean?" I asked feigning ignorance.
"I did not call yesterday, We haven't spoken to each other in the last 48 hours and you aren't worried," he said breathlessly.
"When you did not call me yesterday, I allowed you because I wanted you to feign your anger without being disturbed," I answered politely and truthfully.
I did want him to be angry and I did not want to rush over and apologize. I wanted him to release his anger. But through our conversation, I realized he bottled it up and fell sick instead. I felt bad for hurting him like that. I felt even bad for not reaching out too soon.
However, we talked, I explained how I was hurting and I poured everything on him.
"The next time you are hurting and you don't want to talk about it, let me know you are not okay but you would rather not talk about it now, I'll understand", he assured me while caressing my head.
I nodded.
He knows I share everything that bothers me with him. My wins. My losses. Everything since I met him. He became my therapist. He listens without judging. But that evening, instead of making him my therapist as always, I turned against him.
"I'm sorry for hurting you with my words, babe," I said while my eyes flooded with the tears I did not know I gathered in the last few days.
"I'm sorry too, babe", he said to me while I wondered how he could be so perfect, so kind, that he even apologized for something that was no fault of his.
After we made up, I felt at peace, he said he had peace of mind too. We talked about how we went the last two days without each other. The difficulty we encountered and how we dealt with the pains and hurt of being separated. When it got late, I held him as close as I always wanted to do since he walked in. I walked him down to our gate, unlocked it for him, and bade him goodnight.
