It's honest time today, so please bear with.
My husband and I had a conversation the other day about dreams. Rather, it was more a conversation about how I should (could) make use of my time currently before we start travelling in 2 and a half months time. I am currently not working, so I have time available to me with which I can do something or several things. I could explore something I've always wanted to do, could spin some ideas about starting my own business or something else entirely. I also currently drive things that need to get done around our trip and house renovation.
However, I don't go and explore. I don't currently take the opportunity of my available time, which I won't have forever. I don't do it to the fullest extent and I find myself going back and forth on whether I should or shouldn't.
I feel guilty that I have this time available, so I do as much as I can for things that "matter", such as the trip, house stuff and various other logistical things that need to get done in life. I am someone that puts other people and to-do's first before I eventually (if ever) get to myself, though I have gotten so much better at it over the past year. I also feel that whatever I'd start to explore now, I'd have to stop anyways when we're travelling and then put all the effort back in after 6 months. Also, there are way too many things I'd like to try out, so I am also struggling with the luxurious dilemma of where I'd even start. It's all too overwhelming (and privileged) and it is easier, at the moment, to play the ostrich game.
Not only do I feel like I have to take on all this extra stuff because I am not working, I also feel guilty for not using this time to pursue my own interests. Something my husband said during our chat made a penny drop and whilst I still don't quite know how to tackle what's in my brain, I know not to dismiss it and tame it. I will also try not to feel guilty about having this time whilst others don't, but instead learn to treasure it and be grateful that I am given this opportunity to explore and dream. I am certain I will fail at times, but I will try.
I know I haven't done this kind of real talk since I wrote about my brain surgery journey, but I think it could be a valuable thought process/learning to share. I think a lot of us are struggling with shutting off thoughts about our dreams (however big or small), taking a step toward making it happen or even allowing ourselves to have any. Sometimes, we tend to put barriers in front of ourselves where there don't have to be any. There are enough barriers in life already, no need to invent them.
And yes, that is the rational part of me talking. Clearly, I have had some very irrational thoughts about this whole process and no, I haven't stopped thinking them or felt any less doubt, though recognising what is tearing me in different directions mentally and emotionally surely must be a good thing.
Thanks a bunch for reading. I hope this wasn't too much of a downer and maybe even gave you a little nudge to be better at this whole "do more of what makes you happy and explore your dreams" thing, as cheesy as it sounds. But somebody once said it, so it must be true.
