"Move to the Tropics?! Are you suicidal?"
"No, I just found a way to be me..."
Inspired by this post. link text -- AmberFox
[AN: Coconut water makes an excellent blood plasma replacement (and sports drink) but not total blood replacement. If you want vegan vampires, you're going to have to add Vegan Haeme(tm) which is a thing that now exists because UnMeat does. I'm a writer, I research things for fun]
Little-known fact: Well-fed vampires have no problem with sunshine. Often misunderstood fact: Coconut water can replace blood plasma whenever needed. Recent fact: Scientists have discovered how to make fake blood out of vegetable-based sources.
Dontgointothat Resort is very modern. Lots of light, lots of glass, lots of abundantly verdant plants. Swimming pools, spas, hot tubs, you name it. However, the bar has one very specialty item for its exclusive clientele.
"Three Bloody Lizzies and a Slow Comfortable Double-Entendre in the Dark for table thirteen."
Thunder rumbled. It couldn't be helped. Thunder always rumbled with excellent ominous timing in places where Vampires tended to cluster. It didn't matter that the sky was clear and the weather was warm, the thunder had one job and it was going to do it. Rain or shine. Literally.
The regulars and the staff alike rolled their eyes. It was part and parcel of daily life at Dontgointothat Resort.
Igor, tending bar, merely said, "Yeth mathter," and neatly cleaved the tops off of three coconuts before mixing up a batch of Vegan Haeme, the key ingredient to Blood Without Bloodshed, and why the resort existed.
"It's VampTrending, is what it is," grumbled a denizen of table thirteen. At his request, shades had been drawn to guarantee he was in ominous shadow. "In my day you lured young lawyers to your estate and kept a bevvy of maidens for snacks."
One of said snacks was in a world of her own, wearing a nicely fashionable dress and a choker that hid the bite marks. "It's the twenty-first century, darling," she intoned. "The nature of things is change."
"Just try it, Vlad," sighed Yolanthe Deathgrove, rolling their eyes anew. "It's not the end of the world if you let her recoup her losses."
A bowl arrived, containing lots of things to help replenish bloodloss. It was not a salad, but the snack greeted it as if it was. "And you remembered the dressing on the side. Thank you."
"It's all going to go to crap," said Vlad. "Electric everything is just a fad. I only trust paper money because gold burns and silver itches."
"Catch. Up. Darling," said Yolanthe. "It's twenty-twenty-two. Half-past twenty-twenty-two, in fact. Electricity is staying, the internet exists, and you can likely get thralls who are into being drained. We have a matchmaking app."
"Eeeuw," said Vlad. "Please, I have standards. It's creepy."
"We invented creepy," Yolanthe handed out the Bloody Lizzies. One for Vlad, the other two for themself. The abundantly froufrou drink went to the snack.
"Oooh. Yummy," she intoned.
Yolanthe sipped from their first coconut. "It's got everything you need that you'd otherwise get from thralls or pigs, okay? It is not going to bite you."
"The spider on the stick, I like. Why is this plastic thing got a web on it?"
"That's garnish, dear. High class establishments serve their drinks with garnish."
"It's the only cobweb I've seen in this place. Do you know how long it takes to get eldritch webs hung properly in a castle?"
"Centuries," droned Yolanthe.
"Centuries," grumbled Vlad. "Five centuries. And now it goes all down the tubes because sterile is the new frightening? It won't last." Vlad tried some as if he had never encountered a straw before. "Ugh. Where is the fear? Where is the screaming? This is not fun at all."
Yolanthe shook their head. There was just no convincing some people.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / luknaja]
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