So about 8 months ago security forces kept seeing these reflective belts in the brush and they would go to chase them and they would keep getting away so finally somebody realized that there were reflective belts on the deer. So they catch one of these deer and there's names on these belts. Apparently the marines had been tackling the deer and putting belts on them they would of gotten away with it to but they left their names. -- Anon Guest
[AN: You know I've got to add some tinfoil hats to this...]
Deer season was going poorly that year. The expected culls were few and far between. The hunters, being responsible people, didn't shoot at anything they couldn't identify as a deer.
One could plausibly believe that most of the deer had vanished just before hunting season... if one didn't have a report regarding the population of such from Parks and Wildlife. Too many deer by autumn spelled trouble for the ecology, especially for the surviving wild flora, but mostly for the farms. Hungry deer in the waning of the year head for any greenery that they can get their teeth on.
Further, some people were making an alarming discovery. There were blurry photographs at first. Shaky videos. Eventually, trail cameras revealed that there were deer wearing reflective clothing items. Those images hit the internet before it hit any rational mind.
It took fifteen seconds between video release and the theory of Were-deer to hit YouTube. Which sort of breaks the laws of physics, because the time to upload and render also includes the time to view, rant, and render the finished product. This only proves that a conspiracy will beat a rational explanation to the eyes and ears of the general public.
...there might even be a conspiracy about that...
"And this is the bombshell. I was able to clean up the image, you can do this myself, I put reference links in the towel. Verify my results here, but when I enhanced the image, this is what I got."
The X-files theme played as the image zoomed in to a legible name tag on the reflective vest the deer was wearing.
"The deer is called Lieutenant Darren. You can check this. You can take the original images and use whatever enhancing software you got and get the same results. I am that. Certain. Further, I checked the public records for Lieutenant Darren in the county of Libreh? And this is what I found."
Another image, also with the X-Files theme. Lieutenant Darren was registered as MIA.
"Lieutenant Darren went on training maneouvres in Libreh County. Harmless camping and messin' around. Frog gigging and stuff, I dunno. But he's Missing in Action. Who the hell goes missing in action during a training exercise in their own damn country? In their own damn county! I tell you there is something weird in the new MRE's manufactured by chemical corporation and GMOD kings Modsanrio that has finally manifested unusual side effects."
The video went on, but this was where the General paused it. At least the no-longer-missing Lieutenant had the decency to blush. Some of his fellow conspirators were looking solidly at the wall behind the General's head. Three of them were standing to attention and doing their best imitation of shop dummies at inspection parade. General Baize waited with patience for one of them to crack.
"Someone has to stand up for the rights of harmless woodland animals, sir," said Darren. Of course. The most vegan of vegans in the army.
"So you appropriated military issue to push your own agenda on the world around you. Military issue that you are now going to have to replace out of your own pocket."
"Sir, even if Humans needed to eat meat, there are more humane ways to obtain it. Hunting is a barbaric practice from a bygone era, and it's entirely possible for us to live in harmony with nature."
General Baize sprained something trying not to roll his eyes. He'd heard too much of it before. "I thought you might say that, Darren. That's why I invited Parks Ranger Iogie to give you an educational lecture about Trophic Cascade..."
"Since y'all vetoed the re-introduction of Wolves to the area," said the Parks Ranger in a monotonous drone, "there are no natural predators for the deers. Which means that they will breed out of control. Deer are constantly at risk of breeding out of control without the intervention of some form of predation. Once deer populations get out of control, they start eating all the greenery they can reach. If they run out of green leaves, they strip the bark off the trees. They will even enter urban areas to forage from the garbage cans. They will go after croplands. Many of the crops you like have detrimental effects on a deer's digestive system. Have y'all ever seen a deer get sick off'a quinoa or agave?"
The conspirators nervously exchanged glances.
"They get colic. Deer can't regurgitate and they suffer under the influence of colic. Those deer have to be destroyed. Congratulations, dipshits, you've achieved the opposite of what y'all were supposedly aiming for. Now while you're here, let me tell you what wolves could be doing to improve the environment[1]..."
It took two hours. Two hours during which all of the conspirators had to stand to attention and listen.
"Every single one of you will be answering calls from people like the gentleman in that video, explaining how there are no were-deer, you are actually full-time humans, and there aren't secret chemicals in the MRE's that can cause radical transformations such as turning a human into a goddamn DEER! None of you will be permitted to hang up on those callers."
"Sir... isn't that a little extreme?" said Park Ranger Iogie.
"I've already argued with fifteen of those assholes since before breakfast. If you had to deal with them, you'd think this was light."
Park Ranger Iogie considered this. "I thank you for your service in keeping that sort off'a my butt," he said, saluting.
[1] Google "how wolves change rivers" and you should be able to find an educational video on the changes that predators make to improve diversity in national parks.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / MShake]
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