It was hard to start writing this, because I'm not good at thinking I deserve, nor asking for, help, but circumstances have arisen that demand I choke down my pride, and do it, because otherwise, I might be homeless by the end of the week. Let me explain.
For months now, I've known that my current living situation would lapse. I've tried countless methods of making many things work, and recently, a graphics job looked like it would tide me over for the next couple months, so I could get @BadMorningNews revved up and going, fell through. That, I'm confident, will be one of the key factors in my coming success, as it has mass potential. But I'm not there yet. More on that later.
I live where I've lived almost my whole life - here in a small town in the Southern California desert. The opportunities here aren't very thick, and if one has any ambition, it's basically heavily encouraged that people leave, which I've tried multiple times to do. For some reason though, I've never found the grass much greener on the other side. So I've had this invisible elastic band attached to me, always pulling me back. I can't get hired at corporate jobs, for multiple reasons, and the last one I had began reducing my hours until I couldn't afford the commute, likely because I had a rugged spirit about not wanting to poison people with the fast food I was serving them, so I... y'know... followed the rules. And the odd jobs I have been getting have been dwindling at the same pace as the water soil saturation in this desert. It's not that I'm unwilling to work - it's that work is simply not as available as I need it to be.
But let's be clear. Much of my situation is my fault. I haven't spent what little money I did have the most wisely, and there were probably savings opportunities I missed. I have a diagnosis of bipolarism, ADHD, and more I could mention, and my outlets for those things are sometimes unhealthy. I have attacked myself everyday for these things, and that often results in a lack of ambition to live, causing regular suicidal ideations. Recently, I've taken up a workout routine, and tried to stick as closely to keto and paleo diets as possible to compensate for my mental issues, and it's been helping, but I lost this graphics job I was relying on the other day, and last night I woke up screaming from a nightmare in which I lost everything, and a group of shadows surrounded me, taunting me with every mistake I remember ever making. I don't get good sleep lately because I see everything crashing down, and I think I'm going to lose everything with no hope of seeing the sun.
I don't know what to say other than "I need help". I'm missing a lot of details, and there's a devil somewhere writing down a tome of my flaws, misdeeds, and transgressions, which I could not transcribe here, so I don't even think I deserve any support here. I'm leaving it up to you to decide whether or not I do. If I don't, however, all my content will be on hiatus for the forseeable future, while I look for a place to live. My gear will all go in storage, and IDK what I even can do at that point. So I'm laying it all out here.
I see that when a lot of people do this sort of thing, they offer something in return. I don't have a GoFundMe or something set up. There are other ways to help, and I don't feel like I deserve to be next to charitable causes. I have a Patreon, and their "charge up front" scheme, along with the already existing reward tiers mean you can hold me accountable if I don't distribute your reward, and possibly get a refund, as well. Please click this if you decide to do that. I also have a Venmo, if you just decide you want to send me something. You can click here for that. I also have many cryptocurrencies I can accept, and if you let me know which one works for you, I'll be happy to post an address. I'll also be posting a ton of content to Steemit shortly, so you can keep an eye out, and upvote it with as high a percentage as you feel is warranted. I'll be doing a fundraising drive on Wednesday as well, on DLive. The more people you invite to that, the more likely I can survive this.
But primarily, thank you. Humbly - thank you. If you decide to help me in this situation, it will help me write the victory chapter in this book of my life. I feel sick even posting this, but I'll feel sicker in a ditch, and even in my state of disgust with myself, I can see that. Maybe this will be the first day of a positive future, but either way, I tried. Thank you so much for reading.
