We are once again working hard to ensure that you have a memorable event.
This was written on every napkin at the wedding. Like she needed to be reminded that she’d hired thsame catering for her second wedding as her first.
Well, call it a fail. Fail fail fail.
And sometimes clarity comes at a cost. There are too many
Oh boy here we go again. She just gets so upset and so preachy sometimes. I wish I could tell you about it. I can’t I just get all confuzzled and abscond with the laboratory.
Begin again. It’s a second beginning, a second wedding.
Slurry-anne was her name. She’d love Dick Richard as much as she’d loved Virgina Virgin. It was just too bad that both of them would be as dead as the other soon. But what is it to anyone else what Slurry-ann does to a spouse?
The wedding was marvelous. There were three cakes and lots of fondant. No one is really glad that there’s lots of fondant, but it distracts the kids, and that’s something. There were flower streamers and murdered fish on sticks as a kind of appetizer. Someone had brought a lot of chocolate and everyone ate some.
Charles shut his eyes so tight, his lips curled off his teeth as if he were in pain.
He wasn’t, of course. He was causing the pain to his client, a Mr. Richard, who had indicated through his wife that he wanted to be murdered. Poor guy. Well, at least his wife would be well taken care of. Charles paid handsomely for the pleasure of murdering safely. It had taken a little of the edge off, knowing he wouldn’t get caught, but it was well worth it to just not actually get caught. Being a murderer AND having a wife and kids was just a tough juggling act.
He’d seen a play called Pit of Goblins, but that had been ridiculous. There were far easier ways to keep from getting caught than hiring a pit of goblins, like, for example, just paying the victims to let you murder them. Easy peasy. I guess you need some starting capital, but if you can recruit other murderers into the system and take a percentage of what they pay their victims, you can not only break even, you might even earn a little extra.
Haven’t you heard of MLMs before? Multi level Murdering. It’s such a great idea! You take 20% from the folks you recruit, and then, if you recruit merely 5 people, you pay for all your own murdering! And guess what, you also get 5% of what they get from the people they recruit! So you’re incentivized to help them be good at recruiting, too, which means they’re incentivized to recruit as well, and everyone profits! And all this AND you get to spend time doing a little extra murdering.
she heard music
They all do. I play music for them. I play GOOD music.
Listen to that baby screaming. That’s music. And there’s a banjo playing. It’s a beautiful washboard jug band. And the banjo they play is made of solid gold cat string. Gut string. From a cat. Not a feline, of course, that would be cruel. I mean a cool cat, like a person who is cool. You know.
Gorgeous sounds from those people intestine banjos.
Did this get dark? Where did it start? In the light? Light of my life, you won’t expect too many long nights from me. I have a sister. She likes to eat Italian food.
Harold and Maude. That’s my inspiration. Who was talking before, was it Slurry-anne. Oh, and Charles. Yes, back to them. Well, Charles was way down the list. Most murderers are, and no one makes much off murder-selling theses days. But regardless, Charles thought it was a small price to pay for peace of mind. Of course, without being a part of the MLM, he’d be paying 20% less for that piece of mind, but never mind, that was complicated math. And Slurry-anne looked enticing, too, but no, he hadn’t paid her, just her husband, but through her, oh, what was it the handbook said. Every victim is a potential client? No. Every survivor is a potential recruit! Yes! It was time to get his money’s worth out of the guidebook that he was paying a monthly subscription for… but that’s when he realized. Slurry-ann! Oh! That’s an anagram for Devil Spawn from Satan. And that was who wrote all the marketing materials. Oh, how could he have been so foolish, She was the founder of the MLM, and here he was, just a goon. It was like that show, undercover boss. He… maybe he should try to recruit her, pretend he didn’t know. Then maybe she’d be impressed with his gumption and help him up the ladder. It was worth a try.