In our oversexed society lust and romantic love are not only linked together, but moreover often confused for one another. A person who feels strongly attracted to another has a hard time figuring out whether he/she is dealing with a bad case of romantic love or sexual desire.
There is no doubt that in the ideal situation it is the combination of both, however often times love and lust contradict each other in the same relationship.
Limerence or Romantic Attraction
According to the American psychologist Dorothy Tennov who in 1975 came up with a revolutionary term of “limerence” that precisely describes the overwhelming feeling of being in love, a sparkle of strong romantic interest that suddenly appears and is usually followed by intrusive involuntarily fantasies about the object of one’s desire.
The most dangerous side effect of limerence is idealizing the loved one. Although romantic love heightens our senses, provides us with a great deal of energy and occasional euphoria it has justly been compared to madness for many centuries. A person in love can hardly trust his/her judgment. The relationship between the state of limerence and human sexuality is an incredibly complicated issue.
Is “Pure Love” Possible?
According to Dr. Tennov’s research, there is a clear separation between sensual and spiritual aspects of human sexuality. Although it is impossible to deny the fact that people fall in love with those they find sexually attractive, romantic love first and foremost craves reciprocation and regards intercourse as a confirmation of it. While sexual fantasies are for the most part vulnerary and controllable, romantic ones usually attack the love victim strongly and suddenly.
Moreover, they come uninvited, are intrusive and extremely hard to get rid of. The majority of people use the erotic fantasies in order to meet their natural physiological need for sexual arousal and orgasmic release. According to Dr.Tennov 80% of her patients were turned on by scenarios they would never wish to experience in real life. Limerent fantasies, on the contrary, present the highly desired events that always include reciprocation – they may or may not lead to sexual embrace.
It is not uncommon for a person deeply in love to exclude the loved one from his/her sexual fantasies because of the deep emotional involvement.
Love Vs Sex
Dr. Tennov questioned a thousand patients about the baffling aspect of interaction between sex and romantic love. According to her survey 73% of women and 51% of men (only slightly more than a half!) agreed that sex is more enjoyable when love is involved.
Surprisingly, 15% of participants in the survey confessed that their first sexual encounter with the object of their romantic love was disappointing. 91% of male interviewers and 95% of female ones rejected the statement that “the best thing about love is sexual intercourse”. 30% of the participants reported that sex was merely irrelevant to their feelings. 53% of women and 79% of men confessed experiencing strong sexual attraction without a trace of love. 61% of women and 35% of men reported being in love without having any need for sex.
In spite of the fact that both romantic and sexual experiences always involve a partner, they are extremely individual and are one hundred percent dependable on a person’s perception of romantic love, sex and the very object of his/her desire.
References:
Jack Morin - The Erotic Mind
Dorothy Tennov - Love And Limerence