Here I am sitting on my Sofa and staring at the longest text message I have ever sent to anyone in my life.
Tears rolling down my eyes nonstop. It was supposed to be painful but not to the extent that it feels like my heart is about to explode.
My eyes held on to the last words of the text message “I love you but I have to let you go”
I wept uncontrollably, my heart was racing so fast like I had run a marathon, and my palms were sweaty as I clutched my phone so hard that it felt like I was going to divide it into two.
Memories of I and Charles flooded my mind. How it all started, how it was going, and the shocking revelation that ended the beautiful thing we had going on.
I remember it just like yesterday when my Mum called and asked me;
“Zoe, what is Charle’s genotype? Are you both genetically compatible?”
“Oh shit”, I gasped. I had never for one day asked Charles his genotype, so careless of me and Charles.
I remember calling Charles immediately and he broke the saddest news of all time to me. His genotype was AS, the same as mine and there was no way we could get married.
I gasped in disbelief upon hearing the news, the news that turned both our lives around.
Despite not being genetically compatible we still stayed in the relationship, it was so hard to leave Charles, as no other man had loved me the way he did.
Charles ticked all the boxes on my checklist but wasn’t compatible genetically with me. Such a life.
Charles did all he could to keep our relationship but I knew it was of no use. I could risk anything but not the tendency of giving birth to a Sickler in the future.
I have heard so many stories of careless parents who weren’t genetically compatible but still went ahead to get married and they forever had to deal with the consequences. I lost three of my childhood friends to sickle cell anemia and it was so sad to see their families in pain.
I wasn’t willing to go down that path with my family in the future.
Charles talked about surrogacy, adoption, and believing in miracles. As much as I respect those options, I still wanted to carry my children myself and I owe them a better future.
Our relationship instead of ending, grew stronger and stronger, and every time I enjoyed his company, a voice in my head reminded me of the risk I was about to take, and every moment I heard that voice I became sad and frustrated.
Everyone who knew about us not being genetically compatible advised we backed out from the relationship but you know how silly love could be at times. It takes away your sense of reasoning and comprehension.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and Charles and I were still madly in love with each other and it didn’t look like we were going to end it anytime.
Our families were worried, my Mum called non-stop to tell me about the consequences of being together but it didn’t change a thing.
One faithful day my Mom’s friend paid me a surprise visit. This lady shared her story with me and her story turned out to be one of the saddest stories I have ever heard.
Her daughter had sickle cell anemia and she had so many crises to the point where the hospital was her second home. She said all her life she had had to live with the guilt of watching her little princess go through so much pain and finally dying. In her words “I failed my daughter”. Hearing her weep bitterly as she recounted her story broke my heart.
I didn’t need a soothsayer to tell me it was time to come back to reality and end the relationship.
As much as I wanted to end the relationship I couldn’t bring myself to tell Charles about it face to face, so I ran away. Just like I always do when things get out of control.
Charles kept calling and texting, he also stopped by my house and office but every single time he stopped by he couldn’t find me as I did my best to not be found.
I was trying to make a conscious effort to end the future disaster that was coming our way and I didn’t want Charles to ruin everything.
The silence was killing me as much as it was killing Charles but there was nothing we both could do.
After so many weeks of running and hiding, today I finally got the courage to send him a text message. Stupid right? I know but anything for my unborn babies, I owe them that much.
I pray time heals our broken hearts real soon.
All images are mine except otherwise stated.
