The modern age is arguably one of the most liberating times when it comes to self-discovery and exploration. People within the Western culture are free to express themselves in a multitude of ways, without much inhibition or back-lash. It is a time that ushers in a fluid dance of feminine and masculine energy, demonstrating that these concepts exist in less of a dichotomy and on more of a spectrum, giving freedom to redefine what constitutes both femininity and masculinity.
As wonderful as this is, it is not without its consequences. The idea of what it means to be a man has changed, but the definition of that change has become upsettingly unclear. As a result, an entire generation of men now exists without a sense of direction, purpose, or sense of self. Men have always been driven to build, learn, and grow, but without the guidance to know where to start or how to do so, we find ourselves frustrated and stuck.
Believe me, it’s something we all struggle with, and I am no exception.
One can’t help but ask, what does it mean to be a man against the deconstruction of the traditional male? What qualities must persist in order to give the men of the modern age a foothold on their identity, in a way that can coexist with our hyperactively changing times?
Well, it depends, as the definition of how a man should be and act will change depending on who you ask. Even so, there are certain core qualities that should remain omnipresent when it comes to masculinity, regardless of how one chooses to define it. Hopefully, these seven characteristics will help clear some things up for you, as they have done for me and many others, and help you along in your journey as you navigate who you are and how you relate, as a man, to the rest of the World.
Undoubtedly the most important quality a man can possess, and the most crucial one to develop, is confidence. Confidence is the ability to be comfortable in one’s own skin, to walk the path true to yourself without regard for what others think of it. Simply put, confidence is what happens when you stop giving a fuck. Usually, low self-confidence comes from a shitty self-talk coupled with an equally shitty self-perception. We’re often way too hard on ourselves and beat ourselves up over little mistakes that really don’t even matter, and tend to think that others have so much more figured out than we do, when that’s seldom the case. Think of how your internal dialogue goes and ask yourself “if somebody spoke to me like this, would I like that person?” If the answer is anything other than hell yes, it’s time to make a conscious effort towards changing it. Your confidence, and ultimately, your reality, is directly influenced by the way you think, and it is the perfect place to start in order to begin living a more fulfilled life.
Confidence without compassion usually isn’t confidence at all, but rather arrogance. Compassion is NOT in any way, shape, or form weakness, and a true man understands the crucial difference. A man possesses compassion because he understands his fellow human and sees that the challenges they face are just as prevalent to them as his own challenges are to himself. A compassionate man does not build himself up in the pursuit of bringing others down, but rather builds himself up in the pursuit of showing others how they can do the same. Personify this and I promise you, the lives you touch will have become better for crossing your path. But be aware and do not let others take advantage of your compassion, as those without it certainly will. Learn to identify who these people are, and save yourself from associating with them in the first place if it’s clear that their only desire is to use and manipulate you for their own benefit. They are poison to your health and were never worthy of your time, or your compassion, to begin with.
Of course strength would be on this list, it is in the title after all. Strength is simply the ability to get knocked down and stand back up, to take the hits life throws at you in all of their varying forms, and to keep hitting back, and to stand firm in your beliefs and motives when they are being challenged. Begin to see your failures not as failures at all, but as lessons. Pain exists because it is a great teacher and demands to be felt. Take this pain and utilize it to your advantage, and allow it to fuel you and push you forward in the same way determination and inspiration do. Develop your strength by constantly challenging yourself and pushing past your comfort zone, as comfort in excess is fatal and will destroy any and all ambition you might have. Do this gradually, little by little, and soon you will notice that there is little that phases you, and nothing that can stop you.
Responsibility in all aspects of your life is important. To understand when you fuck up, and to own it rather than attempting to pass the blame to some other person or external circumstance, is the first step in taking complete control of your life. When you take responsibility for who you are, how you live, and how it affects you (and others), you will begin to see the strings that pull you, and you’ll be free to keep the ones that help you and cut the ones that don’t. I’ve found that doing something as simple as keeping your space clutter-free is a great way to begin developing this quality. There’s so much power in simply taking responsibility for yourself, and as you learn to do so, you will continue to become better at living your life on your terms and will begin to see how much your life changes depending on your perception. Remember, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
Not all men are outgoing or desire to lead others, and that’s fine. It doesn’t have to affect your self-worth and makes you no less of a man. That being said, it is important to have the capacity to lead when push comes to shove. As a man, you are, by nature, a penetrating force. Harness this force through your actions, and your presence will speak louder than any words ever could. As with most things in life, acquiring an ability to lead begins with you. Lead yourself in how you live, by expecting the best of yourself day in and day out, and keeping your ability to maintain frame in the face of opposition, however it may present itself. And when you fail to follow your own lead (and trust me, you will. After all, we are only human), do not beat yourself up about it. Rather, allow yourself the capacity to understand and experience the consequences that arise from it, and remember them for the next time.
If you ask me, gluttony in respect to damn near everything is damaging. Too much of any one thing will begin to impact your life in a negative way. This is why self-control is so important to your well being and your ability to function optimally. Think about it, if you want flowers, you need to plant the seeds. Too much water will drown them, too much sun will make them wilt, and the same concept applies to life. This isn’t to say you should deny yourself pleasure, it’s simply saying that extremes of any kind are often toxic. Too much pleasure will make you weak, while too much challenge will burn you out. A great way to cultivate this is to care for your diet and exercise. Lifting and tracking my calories/macros (i.e, proteins, carbs, and fats) has personally changed my life in an uncountable number of ways. The self-control and work ethic you develop through the consistent care and improvement of your body is unreal, and will undoubtedly bleed into every single other facet of your life. If you’ve never exercised before, start slowly and gradually increase your frequency until it becomes a habit. Once it is, you won’t be able to get enough. But keep in mind even too much exercise can start to impact you negatively, so make sure you exercise (ha, get it?) self-control here as well.
Your self-discipline is the difference between succeeding in achieving your goals and not. It’s your ability to keep persisting even when you don’t want to, to get shit done when you don’t feel like doing it. The great men of the world didn’t become great because of some innate talent or gift, they became great because of their relentless pursuit in whatever it was they chose to do. Talent will only get you so far, it’s the ability to harness and refine that talent that determines your success. How you spend your time (and what you spend that time on) will define the quality of your life, so spend it becoming great at something you love. And if you don’t know what you love, try different things until you find something that sticks. Being lazy and not getting anything done on a regular basis might feel good in the short-term, but is a recipe for disaster when it comes to the long-term. You owe it to yourself to keep going when the going gets tough, as you only stand to gain from doing so.
Becoming a fully realized and actualized man is a long and arduous journey that never truly ends. Humans are less of human beings and far more like human becomings, and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you will be able to begin implementing these qualities into your character.
Each one of these character traits ties into the next, and as you begin to develop one, the others will surely follow. Starting gradually and working your way up is the best way to go about this, as if you try to take on too much too soon, you will probably burn yourself out and deplete your willingness to keep trying.
Ultimately, developing yourself all comes down to patience and understanding. It’s the patience to keep growing, and the understanding towards when you feel like you’re not good enough or failed to keep the expectations you set, as well as forgiving yourself for doing so. But as long as you keep attempting to implement these characteristics, and live each day with the intention of becoming better than you were the day before, you absolutely cannot lose.
