Different people work differently. It's a fact of life, little as we accept it.
Some people are social, some people are unsocial or at least unsociable, and some are even antisocial. It's a fact of life, learn to deal with it.
This morning - or rather for quite a while, but culminating this morning - I had a friend on my case about my antisocial tendencies. Because apparently it's rude to walk and think on your own, apparently it's rude to care more about your own thoughts, unimportant as they may be, than about another person's inane chattering. Apparently I need to acknowledge him at the very least, tell him I don't want to talk, even if he's already mentioned the same thing to me half a dozen times.
Even if whenever I tell him that I'm not interested in talking at the moment, he complains about how rude and unacceptable that is. So because you're a social, sociable person, I have to lose out on my alone time, on my private thoughts for you?
Apparently yes. Apparently it's common courtesy, basic social necessity. Well, guess what? Some people want to be antisocial, some people don't want to constantly talk.
Don't force me to act by your standards and your judgments of what is proper, don't force me to act because of your need - or rather desire - for interaction.
And it's not as though I constantly ignore him, it's not as though I show no courtesy. If there's no one else around, if just the two of us are walking in a given direction, then of course I'll interact with him, even if I don't want to do so. I'm not rude. I simply don't see the need when there's others around to discuss some... some - some nonsense! And therefore, somehow, he has the need to "train me to act like a decent/normal human being"
It's not as though I'm the only person who's like this, despite the multitude of social people in today's society, there are plenty of people like me or worse, who would much rather have some time to themselves than interact with others. In fact, over the course of the conversation, he informed me of another mutual friend who also likes to ignore this nonsense, who he's also trying to "train."
I don't mean this negatively, I know he means well. He's not the sort of person to do this for his own sake, he truly believes he's doing it for us. But sometimes people are so convinced of their own rightness that they refuse to see any other possibilities.
Apparently I'm also rude for continuing to talk, simply talking louder, if when I'm speaking with him he interrupts with a question, and I - either feeling that the question has no bearing on what I'm saying, or that it will be answered by this very statement - just ignore it. One moment. I'm talking, you're interrupting, and I'm rude for ignoring that interruption? And I don't even do it unless I have good reason to do so.
But as I said. Sometimes people are so convinced of their own rightness that they refuse to see any other possibilities. I tried to explain why I felt he was wrong on both accounts today, he refused to hear it, so I simply nodded, murmured acquiescence, even apologized - then proceeded to act as I always have, as I feel is right.
I find myself doing this quite often, especially with this friend. When he says something I strongly disagree with, I'll begin to argue, not strongly but with a few simple points, and if he simply brushes over them, I'll know it's a lost cause and stop trying. Sometimes I won't even acquiesce, sometimes I'll just mutter nonsensical sounds or random quotes in a tone of admittance, and he'll assume I'm agreeing.
I'm not really the sort of person to try to say something someone won't be convinced of, I try not to get into to many unwinnable arguments. If someone does something I disagree with, I'll usually just tolerate it, unless they do something I strongly believe to be morally wrong. Perhaps refusing to help, ignoring, or mocking someone with a disability/the elderly. Perhaps making a considerable - not considerate - amount of noise late at night 10 feet away from where someone's sleeping. Perhaps simply making derogatory comments.
Not that I've never made a racist comment or joke, I've done it on occasion between friends. But I always make it clear that I'm joking and don't actually mean it. When I mock the blacks, I mock the whites, reds, yellows, and every color in between. When I make fun of Jews, I make sure to make fun of Christians, Muslims, Budhists, and atheists as well. Not Hindus though, I wouldn't want to be assigned to a lower caste... (oops - anyone got a good muslim joke?)
Perhaps I'm wrong on these accounts as well, perhaps I'm wrong to think someone has a right to sleep... in his bedroom.. in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe I'm just biased because I've been bothered by late night noises as well, maybe they're right that the person trying to sleep can't hear them. I doubt it - I've been in his place and I've heard them just fine, but I suppose they need to convince themselves of this or feel horribly guilty for doing something obviously wrong.
But people do see the world differently, and I find this the most often about manners. I've got another friend who is absolutely convinced that it's bad manners to say "Please pass the whatever," rather, one must preface it with "Could you-" I don't know, maybe he's right, though I've discussed it with others and found nobody who agrees with him. In any case, I don't think it's really his decision to make that I'm doing something wrong by speaking this way. I don't really think he should refuse to pass me any food items until I completely change my speech patterns to reflect his view, and I'm not really interested in putting in the time and effort just for him.
I just started eating at a different table as soon as I could. One of these days I'm going to the ultimate authority - his mother - to try to prove him wrong. Until then... shrugs
Not that my manners are perfect. But that's something for my parents to tell me about (and they do - I'm still told not to slurp my soup every time I'm home) not a friend's job.
People are far too insistent that they're right. A friend of mine recently asked for a favor, which I readily agreed to do. Upon realizing that it would take far more effort - and time - than expected., he said he'd provide a different large favor in return. And then, when I slacked off a little (a lot), he came over to me and said that "he was counting on me"... "He was, after all, providing this other favor," "he needed to get this done," "If I didn't want to do it he could just get someone else."
What could I do but agree? Perhaps I could have said I'd forgive the favor and he could find someone else, but I'd already put in a few hours - and considerable sweat, a little blood, and we won't talk about the tears - into this favor, and I didn't really feel like forgiving the return favor. And I would have felt bad even if I did so, seeing as he made it seem like it would take quite the effort to find someone else. So I agreed, though I did complain about the guilt-trip to a mutual friend later.
The next day he cornered me. He was quite upset, the mutual friend had been bothering him about guilt-tripping me, and he felt that he'd done no such thing. He had, after all, told me numerous times he could find someone else if I didn't want to do it. I tried to protest, but stopped when he insisted. I don't know, I think anyone would see the guilt-trip, even this fellow if he weren't self-biased.
But what can you do? I murmured "To infinity and beyond," I nodded, apologized, and completely ignored him. When someone doesn't want to listen, you don't accomplish much good by talking over them.
I'm really not the right one to talk, I know I've refused to accept other people's opinions in the past as well, I've insisted that my way was right. I try not to, I try my best, but we all do it. I just think there's a bit of a lesson here - everyone's different, everyone has a slightly different worldview.
I don't know, just my two cents.
-Hyperbole out.
Note: all pictures from pixabay.
