Just woke up after taking a much-needed nap. Work today was stressful and my commute back home even worse. I don't know how people manage to undergo this amount of stress daily and still not break down. I am not built for this--and many of the things life has thrown my way.
One of my greatest fantasies is being able to disappear and this week has been one of those weeks I wanted so much to disappear because of the sheer amount of pressure I have encountered.
I don't expect anyone to understand. It is my life at the end of the day but I just can't be there for everyone, even the most important people. I just can't and I don't even feel apologetic about it anymore.
All I have done for the most part of my adult life is give. I have given, with great pain, most of my time and resources to the people I care about the most, at my own expense.
What do you lot want from me?!
Maybe for a change, other people can be responsible for my actions and inactions. Maybe it would nice to blame someone for something and not be the bigger person.
I can't give! I can't give because you've taken. You've taken everything and I have nothing. Nothing! Nothing I say…
Maybe once other people can cater for my flaws or better still maybe I could just disappear, as I have always wanted, into my own bubble. It has been a while since I enjoyed the solitude of my mind without something or someone intruding.
I CAN'T KILL MYSELF
I will not die at the expense of everything I love. I would rather live at their expense. I want to live without the arms of pressure jostling for my throat. I have come this far from all the chaos not to have peace--peace i must have.
Dear everything,
I hope this meets you well. I believe you got the memo I sent earlier about not wanting to die for nothing. Well, things have changed now and I would rather not die for anything. I choose life! I choose life over everything…
I do not know what you expect from me but this much I expect for myself: peace, love and happiness. This much I expect from everything and I will not settle for less.
*Cheers.
