I have discussed on my previous post (When God Equipped me to Survive Depression)
how I am surviving a mental illness called depression. I discussed there the cruelty of battling myself inside my brain and how tempting death is. It is so tempting that I even asked God for it, just to put an end to everything. I have also explained there how He answered my prayer in a different way and how He equipped me to survive; reason why I am still here sending the message across.
It is of paramount importance that this message can be seen and read by everyone who might be experiencing the same struggle. Trust me, it is not an easy journey and I attest to it. We all have our own ways of surviving it and if you are one of the 300 million people who is suffering this (statistics from World Health Organization), I am happy that you are still here with me reading this. If you aren't going through the same struggle, I hope this would still inspire you and give you hope with other struggles you might be in.
I discussed previously that God equipped me with an armor to survive and each part represents someone. Just to outline, here are the parts of the armor;
I have already discussed one of the parts which is the breastplate. I will still go through details of it and discuss the other parts too and who it represents in my life.
The breastplate represents my boyfriend. A person who never gave up no matter how complex I am.
I am on my worst when I met him. He is the brother of my colleague from OJT (On the job training). I have a huge crush on my colleague, but I cannot entertain deeper feelings than that because I am in a relationship. My boyfriend back then went to Japan to work and it became a long distance relationship. He became overly focused on his job that I got neglected. After completing the hours required for our on the job training, I tried to communicate with my colleague again, because I felt so down and needed someone to talk to. I looked for him on facebook (yes, stalker alert), but I found his brother instead, who is my boy friend now. I accidentally added the wrong guy and that's where our story began (the very first time I have been thankful to facebook).
Honestly, it did not start well as he became a rebound for the heartbreak I had with my ex-boyfriend. I am crushed and needed someone to fill in the cracks. Our beginning is convoluted and would take me this whole post to tell the full story (I will have to create a separate post for that). I am amazed that he did not give up even after pushing him away.
There were difficult days where he has to deal with the cuts on my skin and moments that almost took my life away. Exasperating as it could be, but his love is genuine and he did everything with all his might to fight for me. That's when a complete turn around happened; from a rebound to a genuine love.
As I quoted previously, Lao Tzu is correct, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." I am thankful to God for the breastplate that protected my heart. He is one of the reasons why I am surviving and surpassing depression.
Some people might have left us and neglected us because of our complexities, but that will leave an open door for someone better. As the most famous movie line here in the Philippines said, "baka kaya tayo iniiwan ng mga taong mahal natin kasi baka merong bagong darating na mas ok, na mas mamahalain tayo" (Maybe the people we used to love left us because someone better will come, someome who will love us more) - Popoy of One More Chance
The helmet represents my Mother. It was supposed to be my Parents but our Dad left us.
"Many are saying that mothers are the emotional backbones of the family. If problems occur they are the strongest person to hold back and we can always rely on them; help us when we are undergoing certain emotional or physical problems along the way in the challenges of life. A person who does the work of many for free." -Nirmla Motoomull
I am a Daddy's girl and my relationship with my mom is not that deep when I was a child. I am aloof with the family and afraid to share my thoughts. Most of the time it is really my Dad I found comfortable speaking with. That changed since he left us for another girl and that is the moment when I learned to fully love my Mother.
The time I saw her tears made me realize how special she is. She has gone through a lot since I was born and until now. My heart is far from her that I did not realize how she have comforted me with what I am going through.
The moment I opened up to her caused me a huge relief, and knowing that she is there in every step of the way gave me the courage not to give up the race. She is the best listener and source of strength.
I am blessed to have her as my Mom who serves as my helmet. She protected my thoughts of giving up and changed it to hope. She protected my eyes from the negative things and helped me see the beauty of life. I still believe that Mothers know best, when it comes to dealing with life's challenges.
The gauntlets on the other hand are designed to protect the lower part of the arm, hands, and fingers. Having no hands to hold a weapon would also mean defeat to a soldier, thus making gauntlets important.
The pauldrons and gauntlets represent my siblings.
Not everyone is blessed with a sibling that is why I am thankful that God gave me my sister and brother. They serve as a friend since I was a kid; being the youngest of them. It is not always a happy experience; there are times we misunderstood, dislike, and disapprove each other. However, blood is thicker than water.
My sister is 8 years older than me and I look up to her. I am not an open book to her because of the huge gap between our age. It was only recently that I started opening up with her. One of the things I have shared with her is the struggle I am going through. Now, she is helping me cope up with depression by comforting me with her warm words. I am still close minded when it comes to advises, but her willingness to help gives warmth to my heart, and that is enough to keep me going.
"For there is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather; To cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands."- Christina Rossetti
As for my brother, he is 2 years older than me and I also look up to him. We are not that close and find it difficult to relate to each other, which could be because he is a guy. We don't really get along very well and most of the time we have arguments. Despite him being bitter he gave me words of advice on how I can deal with depression- coming from someone who is going through the same illness. He has a lot of paintings which we used as decorations in the house and those are the product of what he is going through too. He used paintings, poems, songs as medium to make him feel better. (He is a potential steemian and have already joined the community just recently. He is still trying to understand the platform, but soon you'll see his talents and skills as mentioned earlier.)
I am thankful to have both my sister and brother who serves as my pauldrons and gauntlets. They protected my hands from doing wrong that could harm my life. They protected my shoulders from the weight of the problems caused by my mind. If you have a brother and sister like me, be thankful. They are the best people to share happiness and sorrows with.
A sabaton is an armor that protects our feet. Our feet is the foundation of our body and is important to keep us standing.
The poleyn and sabaton represents my friends.
I never had a best friend but I always have a friend. I do not have a lot but a few and genuine friends already means a lot to me. They helped me in forgetting the battle I am on. They also comfort me whenever I am having anxieties and emotional imbalance.
Afraid that I might be a burden, there are moments that I wanted to leave them and close my door, but they looked for me instead of just letting me go - unwilling to leave. With the kind of attitude I have (sensitive, aloof, easily agitated, anxious, lonely, etc.) it is impossible for me to find friends, but God is truly amazing to touch other people's life. He brought them to me so that I wont have to face my everyday life alone.
"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow." ― William Shakespeare
I am thankful to my friends who serves as my poleyn and sabaton. They protected me from the idea that I cannot move on with life. They helped me to stand up again and continue to live.
All parts of the armor are equally important. Not having one of them will more likely result to a lost battle. However, having a perfect armor is not the only ticket to a victorious battle. I need to have a weapon too in order to call myself a victor.
I cannot do things alone and I understand how dependent I am with God. My condition tells me to end things by ending my life, but after seeking God, that changed. I am still having that thought, but it is not as grave as before. God has taught me to fight and be a beacon of hope to others.
I am thankful that I have submitted myself to the Lord and that he serves as my weapon in times of battle. Being a victor means bringing with me my armor and my weapon.
I haven't surpassed the illness yet and I don't know if I ever will. All I know is my faith and relationship with God plus all the people around me is making the journey worthwhile; that alone leads me to the understanding that death is not an option.
As I always say, everyday is a temptation to kill oneself for someone who's going through depression. I have been through it too until God equipped me with an armor and a weapon to help me surpass my illness.
We may differ on the struggles we are going through or you may be suffering a different illness. Whatever situation you are in, remember that God is full of mercy. I hope you'll find your own armor and weapon to keep you unharmed as you go along. Let me end this with one of the bible verse that keep me encouraged along the way.
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8
