What is self-esteem?
We use the phrase self-esteem to talk about the beliefs you have about yourself – what you think about the type of person you are, your abilities, the positive and negative things about you and what you expect for your future.
If you have healthy self-esteem, your beliefs about yourself will generally be positive. You may experience difficult times in your life, but you will generally be able to deal with these without them having too much of a long-term negative impact on you.
If you have low self-esteem, your beliefs about yourself will often be negative. You will tend to focus on your weaknesses or mistakes that you have made, and may find it hard to recognise the positive parts of your personality. You may also blame yourself for any difficulties or failures that you have.
People think I am confident because I can address a room full of people. The reality is that I spend most of my time thinking that I’m not good enough. If I give a speech, I spend the next few days thinking about all the mistakes I made.
What causes low self-esteem?
It is not possible to identify one cause of low self-esteem for everyone. You form your beliefs about yourself over a long period of time and this process is likely to be affected by a range of different things.
Some factors that can contribute to low self-esteem include:
• Difficult childhood experiences – negative experiences in childhood, such as bullying, difficult family relationships or having a hard time at school, can be particularly damaging for your self-esteem.
• Difficult life events – difficult experiences as an adult, such as the end of a relationship, long-term illness, the death of someone close to you or being unemployed, can lower your self-esteem, particularly if you experience several difficult events over a short period of time.
• Personality and temperament – elements of your personality, such as a tendency towards negative thinking or finding it hard to relate to other people, could contribute to a poor self-image.
• Feeling ‘different’ – feeling like the 'odd one out', or under peer pressure to conform to social norms you don't agree with, can affect the way you see yourself.
• Relationships with other people – other people may feed into your low self-esteem, being negative about you or making you feel like you have little worth. Or you may feel you don’t live up to other people’s expectations.
• Stress and excessive pressure – if you are under a lot of stress and finding it hard to cope, this can lead to feelings of low self-worth.
• Negative thinking patterns – you may learn or develop thinking patterns that reinforce low self-esteem, such as constantly comparing yourself to others or developing high standards for yourself that you can’t achieve.
• Discrimination and stigma – if you are discriminated against for whatever reason, this can affect the way you see yourself.
• Social isolation and loneliness – if you have limited social contact with other people, or find it hard to maintain relationships with other people, this can lead to poor self-image.
• Trauma, abuse or bullying – trauma, physical, sexual or psychological abuse and bullying can all lead to feelings of guilt and low self-worth.
Mental health problems can cause low self-esteem.
• Some mental health problems, such as eating problems, depression and social phobia, involve developing negative thinking patterns about yourself.
• A mental health problem can make it hard to do day-to-day tasks, such as using public transport or maintaining a paid job. This can have a negative impact on the way you see yourself.
• A mental health problem could cause you to withdraw from social contact, if you are worried how other people may see you. This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, which can then cause low self-esteem.
• Stigma and discrimination about mental health problems could mean you develop a negative opinion about yourself.
Low self-esteem and mental health problems can reinforce each other, creating an unhelpful cycle.
Mental health problem -> Low self-esteem -> Negative life experiences/ events-> Low self-esteem-> Mental health problem
What can I do to build my self-esteem?
In order to increase your self-esteem, you need to challenge and change the negative beliefs you have about yourself. This might feel like an impossible task, but there are a lot of different techniques you can try to help you.
Do something you enjoy
Doing something that you enjoy, and that you are good at, can help build your confidence and increase your self-esteem. This could be anything from paid work, volunteering, caring or a hobby.
Work
Work can provide identity, friendship, a steady routine and a salary. Some people thrive in a busy environment and enjoy working to ambitious targets. Other people see their job as a means to an end or work in unpaid, volunteering roles. Whatever you do, it is important that you feel confident and supported in your role, and that the balance between your work and your home-life feels right for you.
Hobbies
This could be anything from learning a language, to singing, to a painting class. Think about where you feel you have some natural ability, or things that you have always wanted to try. Try to find activities that will not challenge you too much to begin with so that you can feel you have achieved something and have a chance to build your confidence. The internet, your library and adult education colleges should have details of local clubs and classes that you might want to go along to.
What helps me feel more positive about myself is crafting things. When I see what I created and I feel good about it, I automatically feel better about myself because I feel I found something I'm good at.
Try to build positive relationships
Try to associate with people who will not criticise you, and who you feel able to talk to about your feelings. If you spend time around positive and supportive people, you are more likely to have a better self-image and feel more confident. In return, if you are caring and supportive to other people, you are more likely to get a positive response from them. This will help you feel better about yourself and how other people perceive you.
Learn to be assertive
Being assertive means you value yourself and others, and can communicate with mutual respect. It will help you to set clear boundaries. The following things will help you act in a more assertive way:
• Pay attention to your body language as well as to the words you say – try to be open and confident.
• Try to express your feelings if you have been upset – wait until you feel calm and explain clearly how you feel.
• Say ‘no’ to unreasonable requests.
• Tell people if you need more time or support with tasks that you find challenging.
• Try to speak in the first person where possible – e.g. ‘When you speak to me like that, I feel… ’. This allows you to explain what you want to happen without appearing aggressive or scared. Assertiveness can be a difficult skill to learn, and you may need to practise by talking in front of a mirror or with a friend. Many adult education institutions, such as colleges or universities, also offer assertiveness classes.
Look after your physical health
Looking after your physical health can help you feel happier and healthier, and improve your self-image.
Physical activity
Physical activity helps improve people’s sense of wellbeing and image of themselves. Exercise releases endorphins – ‘feel-good’ hormones that can help improve your mood, particularly if you do it outside.
Sleep
Lack of sleep can cause negative feelings to be exaggerated and means you can feel less confident, so it’s important to make sure you get enough sleep.
Diet
Eating a well-balanced diet at regular meal-times with plenty of water and vegetables will help you to feel healthier and happier. Stopping or reducing your alcohol intake, and avoiding tobacco and recreational drugs can also help improve your general wellbeing.
Set yourself a challenge
If you set yourself goals and work towards achieving them, you will feel satisfied and proud of yourself when you achieve your goal, and feel more positive about yourself as a result. Make sure the challenge you set yourself is one that you can realistically achieve. It doesn’t have to be anything particularly large but should have meaning for you. For example, you might decide you are going to write a letter to your local paper or start going to a regular exercise class.
Focus on positive things
If you have low self-esteem, it can take practice to get used to thinking more positively about yourself. One way you can do this is by making a list of several things that you like about yourself.
You might include:
• things about your personality
• things about the way that you look
• things that you do
• skills you have developed.
What can friends and family do to help?
This section is for friends and family who want to support someone who has low self-esteem. If you have a friend or family member who has low self-esteem, there are some things you can do to help.
• Show them that you care – reassure them that you do value and care about them. You can show them how you feel by being affectionate, listening sympathetically, or simply by spending time with them.
• Remind them of the positive things – while you can’t change someone else’s negative image of themselves, you can help challenge this by reminding them of their good points, such as good qualities they have or positive things they have done.
• Avoid blame – people with low self-esteem often blame themselves for negative experiences, including mental health problems. Reassure them that this isn’t their fault, and avoid telling them to ‘pull yourself together’.
• Try to be patient – low self-esteem often builds up over many years. Changing someone’s opinion of themselves can take a long time and they may need repeated reassurance.
• Let them know that it is reasonable to feel bad from time to time – nobody feels happy and confident all of the time, and it’s important they don’t feel under pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations.
• Be encouraging – if your friend or family member is working to a self-help programme or seeing a therapist, be encouraging and positive. You could also offer practical support, such as offering childcare so they can attend appointments.
• Help them to seek appropriate treatment – if you are concerned that low self-esteem is causing a mental health problem, encourage your friend or family member to seek appropriate treatment.
Self-help resources
10 tips to increase your self-esteem
Remember these top tips to help you build your self-esteem.
• Do activities that you enjoy.
• Spend time with positive, supportive people.
• Be helpful and considerate to others.
• Try not to compare yourself to other people.
• Try to do regular exercise, eat healthily and get enough sleep.
• Be assertive – don’t let people treat you with a lack of respect.
• Use self-help books and websites to develop helpful skills, like
assertiveness or mindfulness.
• Learn to challenge your negative beliefs.
• Acknowledge your positive qualities and things you are good at.
• Get into the habit of thinking and saying positive things about yourself.