A lot of couples tend to think that transparency is the golden rule—that each partner should know all of the other’s feelings and thoughts, from his or her opinion of your new highlights, to your take on your SO’s new phone. But sharing absolutely every part of your life can be problematic. It robs your bond of an exciting curiosity factor. This may be why some other cultures (like the French) take the opposite extreme.
Many couples in Paris believe withholding most personal info keeps things intriguing. That may work to ignite desire, but it can also build a wall between you and your partner, making it hard to ever be truly safe and in love. The best of both theories approaches the middle: you and your beloved need to know enough about each other to connect on a deeper level, but not so much that you start to think that you know everything. (I see this mistake in my practice all the time. A woman will be absolutely shocked that her boyfriend cheated, because she thought she knew him better than he knew himself. But that was just an illusion. In reality, she stopped being curious about him a long time ago, so she tuned out and didn’t clue in to the signs that he was changing.)
By finding a sweet- spot of mystery, you’ll experience a healthy balance of love and desire, which will help you stay together happily, and nurture your erotic connection for the long haul. These simple steps will foster more in your everyday interactions:
DITCH YOUR ROUTINE
Every couple gets into its own hamster wheel of habits (think: dinner, TV, bed, and round and round we go). Consider this an order to jump out of yours. There’s nothing enticing about knowing exactly how your night, conversation, or sex is going to go before it even starts. Do whatever you can to leave room for the unexpected.
If you live apart and always call right before bed to say good night, do it at a completely different time. If you have a standing Scandal date with your beau, take a walk instead, wandering without a destination. Use the time to catch up, and allow for the possibility of being surprised with what you see or hear along the way. Walking in a local park and see a giant tree? Tell your SO about how it reminds you of the one you used to climb in your backyard as a child—something you (surprise!) never revealed before.SHOW YOUR SILLY SIDE
Women tend to instinctively seek out weirdness and whimsy in friends (your hilarious, meme- filled group text with your besties comes to mind)...and comfort and dependability in relationships. Too often, a text to your romantic partner is just a question about what’s for lunch or a reminder that you’re working late.
Instead, the next time you stumble across something wacky that you want to send to your girls, shoot your honey a little something too—like a funny GIF that has you cracking up. The unexpected surprise will be delightful, and he’ll wonder what made you think of him.SAY IT ON PAPER
For your next big celebratory occasion (your anniversary, a promotion), write your lover a letter instead of getting a gift. We communicate differently when we put pen to paper, as opposed to when we speak or text. It’ll feel enigmatic, since letter-writing is such a novelty now, and reading your handwritten words can be an erotic experience for your guy.
There’s no one ideal thing to write, but do make a point of opening up. You can reveal your innermost feelings about how proud you are of your partner, or how you want to explore unknown corners of your sexual landscape together. He’ll be captivated by this whole other side of you.