I woke up to my phone pinging with the text of a friend (though lately, I'm not so sure), and my immediate reaction was one of dejection. It was a complaining text. And I wouldn't have minded if it had been just the one, but I can't remember the last time our conversations came in any other flavor. So I stalled about replying, and when I did, I gave a curt, deflective answer, trying to shift focus on something else. Or no, I'm lying. I actually questioned, as I often do, her tendency to catastrophize. Though I doubt she'll reply.
The interaction got me thinking, though, about being well-liked. Which is something I've been thinking about a fair bit. While I don't think you should go out of your way, or lie, to make yourself more likable, I do think it's an important, even vital part of the human experience.
That's one of the few yoga teachings that, in 10 years, ever really stuck. I do believe you should periodically engage in emotional and mental de-cluttering, and in some cases, that can include cutting people off. One of my first thoughts when receiving that text was, why do I keep interacting with this person, if our interactions only cause me misery?
Immediately, I felt the need to justify myself (if only in my own eyes). It's not like I don't try. I regularly try to share elements of my own life that are fun or lighthearted, or even joyous. But whenever I do, she shuts these attempts down, sometimes outright ignoring them (and it's hard to pretend you didn't hear something while texting).
While disheartening, I do think this is a fairly logical and natural progression. When you refuse to make an effort and be sociable with others, they eventually stop interacting with you. Because why would I do that? I do think you owe it to yourself to cut off contact with people whom you find actively harmful, especially if you don't get any pleasure out of talking to them.
Which brings me to my next issue...
Not extremely, again. Ideally, this shouldn't even mean going out of your way. But you know, you need to cultivate within yourself elements that are socially likable, and nurture them. Basic things like don't always complain, don't be selfish and make every conversation about yourself, and so on.
Because if you don't cultivate these habits, people won't want to be friends with you. We like to think we've evolved past the sandpit stage of our lives, but in truth, we're not far at all. If you play well with other children, they'll continue wanting to play with you. If you're aggressive, or refuse to share your toys, or act like a crybaby, they won't.
It's very simple.
And I think this "making yourself sociable" starts with the parent. A source of constant fascination for me, maybe where I've seen a fair few around me, are grown people who refuse to leave their parents' side, who shun social lives, and take comfort in "mother knows best". I can't understand how you, as a parent, can tolerate that, when it is in our very animal nature to nurture our children to be self-sufficient. If animals are allowed to leave the nest, and trusted to take care of themselves past a certain age in the animal world, why aren't people?
But it doesn't end there. One thing that bugs me about people is we blame too much on our parents and our upbringing. And while yes, those play a major role in our development, we choose our handicap past a certain stage, I believe. Unless you have one of those truly disastrous, deeply abusive childhoods, I do think it's in your power to change, and to strive to be better.
Problem with that: it's a lot of work. And it's constant, grueling, and often disheartening. Nevertheless, the path is there. So even if your parents' brain was somehow faulty, and that natural impulse to push your adult children to social maturity and independence was non-existent, that shouldn't mar your life forever.
I think past a certain point, you can no longer blame your dwindling social skills on parenting, or circumstances. Because both can be overcome, and because everyone struggles with difficult circumstances.
In dealing with difficult people, we often convince ourselves to stick around because it's a "rough patch". However, rough patches often spiral into permanent mean characters. Especially if that person doesn't take active steps to fight it. And what better way to point out they're not fighting (and maybe even encourage them to do so), then showing someone that their actions have consequences?
Harsh, mean consequences, yes. Unpleasant to enact, sure. You always come out sounding like the bad guy if you say "I can no longer be your friend because I don't like how you're behaving" or "I'm cutting you out, because being around you is draining". Because what kind of asshole says that?
But if you don't, you just encourage the person, I think. Yes, you can outwait and endure some rough patches, and that may even strengthen the relationship. But hey, cutting contact could also be part of "enduring" the rough patch. Because in denying them your company, you are signaling to someone that the way they interact with others is wrong or hurtful. You're giving them the choice - change or lose out.
And many will choose not to change. They will blame it on you, they will say you were mean, or jealous, or had ulterior motives. And maybe you did. But maybe you're not the only person who does this, reproaching their bad behavior. And maybe it enough people do that, they get it and change.
Once again, maybe they don't. But did you really want to be friends, or even lovers, with someone who treats you so poorly?
