Lately, I've been picking up a lot of negativity from someone I know, and it got me pondering how exactly you're supposed to deal with people like that. What the Internet apparently dubs the "chronic complainer", because yes, I did ask the search engine what's to be done. Not because I wanted an actual mission from Google, I was just curious what everyone else out there's come up with.
Chronic complainer : someone who seems to come up with a new issue with their life every week, and mostly seeks you out not so that they can catch up, or even be distracted from their problems, but just so that they can whine.
And the curious thing was, I kept coming across articles like "how to deal with a chronic complainer", and they all inevitably said something along the lines of "gently try to uplift and steer them towards a solution", that sort of thing. It ticked me off, because somehow, many of these answers assumed that it was your responsibility as the outsider, the shoulder one does the leaning on, to somehow help and fix their problems. And that's the assumption that creates a lot of unease, actually, in our relationships.
I don't think it should be your responsability to feed these chronic whiners your precious energy, attention and empathy.
And just to clarify, obviously this doesn't refer to a friend going through a genuine problem. They're separate things, and we tend to know which is which.
Like, I have a friend who seldom complains, who seeks to infuse interactions with positivity, without glossing over or minimizing unpleasant events in her life. And if she texted right now and said, I have a problem, can I talk to you, or can you help?, I'd have no doubt she was in a genuine pickle.
Then, there's this other person I mentioned who is almost always complaining about something. Either it's work, a bitchy boss, having to wake up early, her throat bothering her, her boyfriend being irritating, her mother being so-and-so, someone in her family, her friend, again her job, again her boyfriend. And just when you thought you were scot-free, she's ill again.
The conversation just seems to have become one long line of "Oh, I'm so sorry.."s.
Now, when someone comes to you and it seems every time they have something to complain about, it becomes tricky not to call it a pattern. While there are cases of freaky coincidental misfortunes striking in a row, it's much more common that someone is going out of their way not only to seek out problems, but capitalizing on them.
Not everything that happens to you is traumatic or worth wasting someone else's energy over.
(And that's actually such a blessing - imagine if every minor inconvenience you go through in a day was trauma. You'd never get out of bed.)
Generally, it's considered good manners (or common sense) not to do that. I don't know about you, but in most interactions, I try to keep aware of my own input. Like I try, even if I have an issue, to add more positivity to the interaction overall, than I do negative stuff. I don't hog the conversation with my big issue. Certainly not every conversation.
I'm all for expressing yourself and being able to talk about something that's troublesome (and having people around you to do that with). And personally, I'm learning to avail myself of that. I recently wrote about how expressing myself honestly about a traumatic experience helped me with my healing. But that was one time, and it was okay. If I'd gone from interaction to interaction, from month to month, just making every conversation about my problems, well that wouldn't make me fun to be around. And would demonstrate pretty poor social skills.
I think it's your duty to be aware of your positive/negative balance in a relationship or conversation. It's also your duty to distinguish between trivial matters and actual problems. Failing to do so, as an individual, can have pretty dire social consequences, in a very boy who cried wolf way. If you waste someone's sympathy and energy whining all the time about food or traffic or your neighbor, or all sorts of trivial stuff that you could easily just manage yourself, when something really bad happens, then you may find yourself without anyone to confide in because you've worn them out (and pushed them away).
I also think it's your responsibility to live a life that satisfies you.
Have you met these people? Time and again, they will make poor life choices or go against their better judgment (and that of their social circle) and just plow through a miserable existence, doing nothing to change it or save themselves or improve their situation. And naturally, they'll have something to bitch about every day.
Is it the outsider's duty to put up with that?
I don't think so. As long as you're aware of a problem and aren't making any effort to improve your situation or in any way change it, if you're just pursuing more misery, I don't see why I should continue to be exposed to that negative bullshit. You keep choosing a miserable life you don't like? That's your choice. You're a responsible adult. But that doesn't entitle you to also choose for me, to choose to keep exposing me to your bad choices.
And I don't think that makes me a bad friend, either, as some of these websites would have you believe. Just because someone keeps making poor life choices, I don't see it as my duty to keep cheering them on or helping them perk up, or find solutions to their made-up, blown-out-of-proportion problems.
Way I see it, my time, energy and most of all, my empathy, are precious. And by squandering them on drama-addicted individuals, I'm doing a disservice to myself.