There are many families who face difficult times during separation. Parents often don't know how to explain separation to their children, how to answer their questions, how to manage their behaviour, etc.....
When parents separate their children, they are overwhelmed by deep emotions of confusion, sadness and anger. Sometimes they engage in aggressive behaviour or, on the contrary, they tend to shut themselves up; it can happen that children start going badly to school or refuse, without apparent reason, to stay with one of their parents.
Sometimes they ask questions and ask their parents for explanations, while other children do not know with whom to talk about them because they fear to hurt mum and dad. There are children who, on the other hand, when parents separate, seem to live the change peacefully.
What do children feel when parents separate?
As always, it is not possible to give an unambiguous answer: when parents separate, different factors come into play, which will influence the experiences and emotions experienced by children.
Many studies have tried to understand the consequences of separation in children's lives. The data, however, show that it is not so much the separation in itself that creates discomfort, but the level of conflict between parents.
The continuous struggles between mum and dad, the exhausting quarrels and the triangulation of the child within this conflict are the elements that can develop consequences, even very important for the development of children.
It is not possible, therefore, to generalize on how children live the separation of mother and father, but we can identify some factors to be taken into account.
1 - The Experienced Conflict
Conflict is the major risk factor for discomfort in children.
2 - The relationship with both parents
A solid relationship with both parents is essential. This relationship, it seems obvious to say, must also be maintained when parents separate, where, at times, the lack of daily life limits the time to spend together. It is above all the quality of the relationship, as well as quantity, that makes the difference. That is why it is important that parents do not manipulate children, talking badly to the other parent, blaming guilt or fomenting very dangerous situations.
3 - Parental competences
Mum and dad, even if separated, continue to be and remain parents. This is a very important message that must be conveyed (in words, but especially with behaviour) to the child. This also means sometimes putting aside one's own grudges and suffering for the child's well-being.
4 - Stressful events related to separation
If separation brings with it many changes, it can be experienced with greater difficulty. A transfer, departure from the everyday life context or a revolution in one's lifestyle, for example, can complicate a situation that is already challenging for the child.
5 - The resilience of children
Children's ability to cope with difficult situations plays a key role, enabling them to successfully reorganise their lives even when parents separate. On this point, one can greatly help one's children, offering them a space where they can develop these skills, which may also be useful in the face of other stressful situations that, inevitably, in the future they will have to face.
New Mum and Dad Companions
Another theme that is often brought to me is that of new mum and dad mummy companions. Even those who find themselves reconstituting a new family (the so-called extended family) are often in doubt for themselves and their children. Then there is the difficult relationship with the children of the new comrades, the jealousy of their children, and so on.
Faced with the exponential increase in the number of separations, in fact, we are increasingly confronted with the theme of recomposed families.
Separation is by definition a complex event, bringing with it innumerable transformations and changes; the choice of recomposing a new family nucleus adds further complexity and requires particular attention.
Complexity is already evident from the fact that there is no name to define the new companion of the mother or father. And it is interesting to see how the name by which this person is chosen to call takes on a particular meaning: to indicate it with "that one" or "that one" is different from using their name or some of them.
The new comrades play a complex and difficult balance role: they do not have to replace their parents, but at the same time they live their daily lives with children, with their joys and toil.
The new comrades have to get on tiptoe in children's lives, but at the same time it is necessary that they are present as figures in the following positions
