I've been in a holiday mood for the past two weeks. Not because we've had so much vacation, quite the opposite. But because my partner didn't have to go to his job for two weeks. And during those two weeks, we've been busy at home; there are things you want to do, and there are things you have to do. In our case, this year, that meant we used the first week to take a few trips. And when you think of trips, don't think we've been playing tourist in our own country... nor have I been out and about with a camera again. I think this is the first year in my life that I haven't taken photos of a trip. But what's there to photograph on a trip to a lumber yard? Don't get me wrong, the trip was fun, and we bought some nice pieces of wood, so we can make beautiful things with them at home. We saw even nicer pieces of wood, but unfortunately, we didn't buy them. It was too expensive for us... but it was certainly a fun trip.
We also went out for dinner once, to a restaurant we'd been wanting to go to for at least a year but never got around to it. I didn't take any pictures of that either. It never even crossed my mind. In hindsight, of course, it wasn't very smart of me, because even though the pictures might not have been top photos, they could have been handy to add to a blog post like this one I'm writing now. But then again, I haven't been thinking about blogging much lately, so I don't tend to think about making pictures either.
Now it's the last "day off" before the normal routine resumes tomorrow. The alarm clock will ring at 5:30 a.m. And on that last day, I'm searching for a few photos to post on my blog. I have several external hard drives full of photos, so there's a good chance I'll find a suitable one somewhere. And when I search through all those photos, I find some photos I didn't even know I still had. That's not surprising, by the way; my external hard drives contain a lot of photos. Anyone who's followed my blog for a while knows it. Photography was once my passion. A fire burned inside me, and I photographed everything. Not because I had to, but because I could. Not because I got rich from it, lol, if only that were the case. No, I photographed because I wanted to. Everything I saw, I wanted to capture in images. I wanted to create memories. To capture moments that will never come back. A light, a look, unstaged. Authenticity. Spontaneity. That was what I was looking for, and that was what I captured.
Seeing all those photos, all those memories, brought back memories of those years. And made me realize how much has changed. I've changed, times have changed, and my life has changed. I put my camera back in its bag in the closet a long time ago. My life as a professional photographer is long behind me. It happened quietly; I didn't make any big decisions, didn't make a fuss; suddenly, there was simply nothing left. My motivation vanished when I realized I couldn't compete with all the people offering a photoshoot for €50. And since then, I've been taking photos the same way everyone else does. My Nikon D750 is lying in its bag. I use my Nikon P1000, when I feel like it, but most of the time I grab my phone. A picture here, a snapshot there. Honestly, just as soulless as the masses that took my job and passion away from me. It often just feels empty, and that's precisely why I do that less and less often.
But then what? After I stopped professional photography, there was truly nothing for me for a long time. Yes, I blogged, I posted photos, and wrote about them. But that's not where you can build a life, an income. Finally, to find a way to express the creativity that had been building up, I picked up my brush and paint again. And a bit of the old fire returned. It wasn't fully there yet. But at least a little spark had been reignited. And then came the moment my partner gave me a pyrography set for my birthday. The moment I tried it for the first time, it felt like coming home. Wood, a warm material, worked with precision and heat. Creating art and memories in the grain of the wood. In full concentration, in peace, and without an undo button, my creative fire ignited in full force. Pyrography awakened me and allowed me to create memories again. What makes pyrography truly special for me is that I can do it all by myself. No hassle with appointments, no managing people, which was never my strong suit anyway. All I need is a beautiful piece of wood, my wood-burning pen, and full concentration. With the radio on in the background, my attention focused on that hot pen in my hand, working on precise lines. Mistakes are difficult, if not impossible, to fix. There's no undo button, no way back. And if your mistake is too big, you've ruined a piece of wood. That challenge makes my creative fire burn bright again. No chaos, no quick snapshots, just my hand, my full attention, which ensures that, line by line, a work with soul emerges.
I was never one for the quick snapshot; for me, it was always the small moments that I turned into memories that mattered. I lost that part that always mattered to me in photography, and that part, the uniqueness, I've now found again in wood. My creative fire burns again. Literally. It's just moved, from a camera and pixels, to wood.
Perhaps you recognize the feeling of letting go of something you once did with so much love. Missing that passion and that fire, only to find it again later in a completely different way. What is your fire burning for right now?
