I have been feeling a bit down and sad for 2 days since I got thw news of my grandaunt's passing on Thursday. I was taking some time to process this emotion by spending time with myself and God when I can especially in between the times to fetch my eldest from his classes.
Maybe because this whole thing came too sudden. So this was what happened to my grandaunt, who is actually my mum's uncle's wife. She had Covid when her whole family contracted it earlier this year. She recovered and then about a few weeks ago, she started feeling difficulty in breathing. So the family brought her and admitted her just 1 to 2 weeks ago. Upon admission, she was given breathing assistance. This I only found out last week.
Coincidentally, my friend who is a radiologist reported the CT scan done on her. I just so happened asked her on Monday since I know she works in that same hospital. She said after she spoke with my grandaunt's specialist, it did not look positive as they suspect high possibility of cancer. Her grandchild who is a doctor also rushed back to communicate with her doctors.
On Tuesday, I talked with a friend that I just dread the news of finding out another relative got cancer as I just lost my own uncle to lung cancer a year ago. Though I do know it is common and it may happen more as I grow older, my relatives grow older too. I was trying to just accept this reality.
My mum called on Wednesday morning saying the family said that she was in critical condition. I was praying. On Thursday morning, when I was about to fetch my son from school, I got news my mum was going back her hometown to pay her last respect. My grandaunt passed away on Wednesday night at 1130pm.****
I guess I was mourning and was feeling sad. It felt like I was so defenseless like the heart was so bare and I needed to take things to "cover" it. I don't know if I am illustrating it correctly but I think I was just feeling vulnerable and a bit helpless. I teared a bit here and there, knowing I am grieving.
I am not that close close with this grandaunt but she is one of those relatives that I know since I was young in this big external family. I remember her kindness and her initiative to speak with us from the younger grandchildren generation. She took effort to be friendly to me though there were so many of us. When I was young, I had several pyjamas sewn by her. She even sew a toy turtle made of pieces of cloths for my sister and I, each for us. I still remember how it looks like. I appreciate her kindness towards me as a young child which made me feel loved in a childhood when I was yearning for love, attention and significance. She later went through a rough patch in life, when her husband who is my grand uncle got sick and she took care of him. Upon recovery, his temperament changed and he resisted her so much that they separated. She then stay with one of her son's family. On her hospital bed, she kept saying she was waiting for someone. The children asked is it waiting for their dad. They then brought the dad to see her. Everything happened so fast and her condition was unstable to run further tests so the doctor were just suspecting between blood cancer and lymphoma cancer. No actual diagnosis because she had passed on.
As I was thanking God for her and all that she has done for me, I finally cried.
Image Source from Unsplash by Louis Galvez
Before this, I felt so stucked as I felt really grieved yet I could not cry out. My eldest son actually "helped" me in this. He came to me asking, "Mummy, Daddy told me that your grandaunt died. What is the emotion you are feeling now?
I told him, "I am feeling sad because my grandaunt passed away." He said, "I think you will see her one day again in Heaven. You can cry if you want. If you dont want to cry, it is also okay." I appreciate his words of comfort. He has been taught well about processing emotions. I am just a bit touched to see how he is applying on me the things I have been doing to him.
So I was crying before our sleeping time as I thank God for her existence and bid goodbye to my grandaunt, also thanking her. Perhaps I wish I said it personally to her.
The son saw me crying beside him, he came patting me on my head. By just being beside me, it actually helped me feel better. I requested for a Teddy bear and he handed it over to me, saying, "Bear bear will comfort you.
They say Teddy bears were given to children after they had gone through a tragedy. I do feel they are relevant and bring comfort too.
After this round of crying, I did feel better. Thank you for reading through my post of me processing my emotions in words. Some people deal better with deaths but I am still learning. I think we should just take as much time as we need to grieve and to give attention to our emotions. I rather release them than bottle them up until they explode one day. Am thankful for the son who actually talked me through it. He did a good job as a 7-year-old.
Photo with her taken at my sister's wedding many years ago
