Holy smokes! The trouble started very early at exactly 5:30 a.m. on a quiet Saturday morning. Almost half of the people in the compound were still fast asleep; in fact, that is the exact time sleep is the sweetest. It was at this odd hour Mama Kachi screamed so loudly that her thunderous noise is enough to resurrect the dead from the grave.
"Jeeesuuus! Snake! Snake! Snake!" she bellowed from the backyard, sending every sleeping soul in the compound into instant confusion.
People rose from their beds like resurrected ghosts. A few fell out of bed and zoomed out of their rooms, completely forgetting they were wearing only underwear. Others flew out like missiles without a sense of direction—wrappers dangling like sails caught in a wild wind, and clothes strailing like loose birds, slippers flying like bullets. Even parents forgot their children in the frenzy; confused voices echoed as they run helta-skelter:
"Ah!"
"Ejo...!"
"Egbami, o!,"
"Excuse, excuse, o!"
Papa Kachi even climbed an electric pole and stopped half way, looking downwards to see if the snake had passed.The entire compound burst into chaos like popcorn in a hot oil.
"What is it, Mum?! What is it? shouted Kachi as she ran towards the backyard to rescue her mother, immediately followed by Mr. Kazeem, a retired army officer who always carried a walking stick as if it were a ceremonial sword.
"There is a huge snake! I mean a whole anaconda behind the water tank!" Mama Kachi shrieked, clutching her chest with one hand and a long broom with the other as she pointed in the direction where the snake was sitting to her daughter and Mr. Kazeem.
"Anaconda ke?! In Lagos? How is that even possible," Kachi asked in surprise, while dragging her mother to get behind her.
Nobody had the time to start questioning the absurdity. The word "Snake" alone— not just an ordinary or little snake, but "anaconda" for that matter—immediately disorganized all logical reasoning. What's more, the children who usually run around barefoot chasing chickens and goats proudly suddenly remembered to put on their slippers. Kachi, Mama Kachi's daughter, suddenly acquired the skill to climb onto the compound wall like spider-man climbing his web. As soon as she heard her mother emphasize again and again the possibility of actually having a full grown "anaconda" in their backyard, Kachi intensified her grip and hastened her speed, leaving her mum behind. On seeing this, Mama Kachi exclaimed, "so you have claws for walls?!" in amazement.
"Mum, Is 'anaconda' what we are talking about here, o?!" Kachi, who was now actually sitting on the wall fence, replied in fear.
Meanwhile, Aunty Bunmi, another neighbor, saw what was going on and immediately leaped into a stranger's Toyota Camry with her legs up without permission.
"Madam, who are you?!" the car owner asked, surprised.
"Abeg, abeg, abeg, no vex! there's a huge anaconda outside; please just drive me away from here, I will explain later," Aunty Bunmi replied, panting in contagious fear.
The car owner heard "anaconda" and...
Vroom! the car screeched its tires, geared the engine, turned a complete 360 degrees, and suddenly disappeared into the air.
The chaos unfolded like a scene from a movie.
Without any form of warning.
However, in the middle of the chaos, Mr. Kazeem summoned courage, carefully walked towards Mama Kachi, and asked her again to point at the exact spot where the snake was last spotted.
"Where is it?! Where is it? Po...Po... Point to it!" Mr. Kazeem commanded, stuttering in fear, yet courageous enough as if about to lead a battalion of sodiers to war.
"Behind that tank! Check! Check! Check!" she pointed with a trembling finger. "I swear I saw it move," she continued. "It was long... like this—" She stretched her arms wide as if she was describing the Niger river bridge.
Mr. Kazeem, armed with a cutlass, and Kachi, who took a mop stick, followed Ikenna, the ever-dramatic student from UNILAG, moving gently with their weapons like a self-appointed snake-hunting squad as they crept towards the water tank fearfully with each step.
"Hiss! There it is!" Mama Kachi exclaimed quietly.
Pandemonium. Again.
People ran. A baby started crying. Ikenna knocked over a pot of ogbono soup Mama Kachi had left in the corridor to cool off.
When they got closer —close enough for Mr. Kazeem to slice it while Kachi would jag at it—they saw it.
It was not a snake.
However, it was a false alarm.
It was a braid extension—a long, black, thick, and coily one—probably blown off Kachi's head by the Friday night stormy wind. It had unintentional curled around the pipe, minding its curly black business until Mama Kachi's poor eyesight and dramatic tendencies turned it into a serpent of doom.
A bit of silence fell.
Suddenly Ikenna started laughing—big, loud, booming laughter that echoed even to the next compound, making heads turn and people look around, wondering if heaven was actually the one laughing since they didn't see anyone except a laughing voice.
Mr. Kazeem blinked at the air "Are you telling me I almost lost my life for just an ordinary attachment?" he asked furiously.
"Mum, it's my braid! I have been looking for it since yesterday!" Kachi exclaimed as she ran towards her braid to pick it up.
"It's not even Brazilian hair," Ikenna interrupted Kachi. "This one is local. Made in Aba." he mocked her, still laughing.
Everyone began to laugh heartily, even Mama Kachi, who was looking greatly embarrassed, managed to crack a smile.
"Ah! This nonsense attachment nearly gave me a heart attack." Mama Kachi said with a smirk.
"Abeg, next time you see something long— I mean anything that's kind of curly and black—please confirm first, before raising a false alarm. You almost gave me a hypertension too." Mr. Kazeem said, still chuckling as he walked into his room.
"I still think it looked like a real snake." Mama Kachi muttered, looking away as she also walked into her room.
"Maybe it was a magical wig," Kachi said to her mother, who was still feeling embarrassed and shaking in shock.
"Maybe it will come back tonight." Ikenna answered Kachi, grinning.
"If It comes back, I will personally... " Kachi had not finished her statement when she heard:
"You two had better keep quiet before I show you what a real snake looks like!" Mama Kachi shouted from her room.
There was a sudden silence.
Then giggles.
And all was well again—until the next false alarm.
THANKS A LOT FOR READING ME
