Self-compassion is simply a strong positive attitude and it is also an empirical, quantifiable construct. It is described and measured by the researchers in our laboratory that published a paper on it in a Psychological Review.
Operationally defined and brought into the psychological literature by Associate Prof. Dr. Julia Buick-Blum, self-compassion encompasses our feelings towards our own personal weaknesses; our willingness to accept responsibility for those weaknesses; and our ability to change these weaknesses for our own good.
Self-compassion and empathy are closely related, but they are not the same emotion. However, similar processes may occur when we are feeling our emotions toward others. In our study, we found that we are able to increase our self-criticism and decrease our compassion, when we are feeling particularly negative about something in our lives.
This process occurs even when other people are actively helping us. That implies that self-criticism and empathy are, in fact, two distinctly separate emotional states, and one can be developed without reducing the other.
The key to developing self-compassion and decreasing your negative thoughts is to start with an exercise that will activate your mind and increase your mindfulness. One such exercise is to become mindful of your breathing, as often as you can.
Think about your breath throughout the day, paying particular attention to your mental dialogue, thoughts, feelings, sensations and more. You can think about and ask questions to yourself, about the world and the things happening around you. Your physical actions can become an extension of your mental dialogue and thoughts - and you will begin to notice some amazing improvements in your self-esteem and self-awareness.
The next step in your self-compassion journey is to learn how to feel compassion for yourself, instead of against yourself. I've been taught to say, "I'm mad because I feel angry, and I'm sad because I feel depressed." You will soon learn that identifying the root cause of negative feelings makes it much easier to address those feelings in your life.
With self-compassion you will also be able to release any guilt, or shame that you may feel, for any behavior that creates negative feelings.
Consider these examples: Everyone has hurtful words spoken to them which have caused hurt, pain or negative emotions. If you take the time to listen and respond to what someone has to say, you will develop a deeper awareness of self-kindness, self-esteem, compassion and gratitude. When you are compassionate toward yourself, you will show self-compassion and be more likely to practice self-compassionate behaviors.
Consider also the example of a person who habitually speaks negatively about themselves, such as, "I'm so ugly," "I'm so stupid," or "There's just no way that could happen." When this negative self talk is left unchecked, the habit will continue to manifest in many negative ways in the person's life.
Instead of adopting the negative self talk, the person can respond with, "I'm grateful that you are accepting me for who I am." In this statement, I'm using affirmations, which can be effective ways to replace negative self-talk with supportive statements. The next time you speak to yourself in this negative manner, consider using affirmations or a statement similar to this one to counter your negative thinking.
Self-compassion can transform the way you feel about yourself and your own abilities. To achieve self-compassion in your daily life, you must first identify the core causes of your problems. Only then can you begin to make changes in how you respond to those problems. Once you have identified the core causes, you can then consciously work towards changing those conditions to make you more compassionate.
One of the most powerful ways you can use self-compassionate actions is to respond with love and acceptance when you are hurt. For instance, instead of immediately retaliating with a negative comment or criticism, look for opportunities to correct the situation in a compassionate and loving way. If someone compliments you, tell them thank you for the compliment. When you are in a negative feedback situation, write a note to yourself stating, "It is possible that I may have said something negative that could have hurt you or made you feel bad. I promise myself not to do this again."
