Occasionally I make a mental note when typing out prompts to try and write my own post on a topic I've proposed if possible. This was one such time, as postpartum depression is an issue that is important to me. I've seen the damage it can do to countless women and their families around me, and I've experienced it myself with each of my pregnancies.
Thea and I when she was about 2
I think PPD is often misunderstood as just another form of depression. Unfortunately, it is much more sinister than that. PPD can take on many forms. For the one experiencing it, it can feel like insanity. Blinding rage, suicidal thoughts, dissociative and dangerous thinking.
I'm a fan of admitting things that might open the door for other women to feel safer in being honest about their experiences, so I'll make a horrible admission. PPD with my youngest made me feel violent towards him, which in turn made me hate myself.
Although I never hurt him, dozens of times I had to sit him down somewhere safe and take a few minutes to collect the rage that was ripping my brain apart. It was always followed with sorrow. How could my body give me the impulses to want to do something so terrible? What the hell was wrong with me and my broken awful brain? Should I give him away to someone better? Should I get rid of myself, so he was safe?
I'd cry and cry when the rage passed, feeling as if I was the biggest garbage can of a human that ever existed. I spent many days hating myself for not feeling the right way, for being unable to make my little colic ridden guy feel happy. Or at least being able to cope better like every other mother did, obviously. Why was I so broken?
Baby Emory with colic rash on his sweet face
Looking back, I just needed help. Like so many other mothers I was worn too thin, pushing myself too hard. I had some idea that if I just did more everything would be okay, and slowly I fell apart. I needed community.
Hindsight is 20/20, and now I know there was nothing wrong with me. The chemicals in my brain were attacking me and I did the best I could. My kids were loved and safe and nourished.
It's still hard to talk about though, even reliving these memories as I type makes me feel self-loathing. I still harbor this internal monologue that I should have just been able to do better, while sayings like "it takes a village" dance at the edges of my mind without much impact.
Maybe writing this blog is a way for me to heal a bit, to share my story and hope it helps someone else. Afterall, there are ways to fight PPD!
How do we support a Mother (and her family) through PPD?
I'd like to start by saying that PPD can be dangerous; I know this first-hand. I didn't resist the rage or deep depression that I sank into because I am strong, it was sheer luck and passed on knowledge. I knew from other mothers that it was okay to set the baby down somewhere safe, for example.
We need to spread these seeds of wisdom. If you feel like you are going to explode, the baby will be okay crying for a few minutes if there is no one else around to help. It's okay to not be okay, it does not make you a bad mother. Your baby will have issues that other people's do not, this is not a reflection of you or your ability. I could go on and on...
PLEASE, tell these things to mothers, no matter if it is their first child or their seventh. Sometimes we desperately need to hear we are good, that we are doing well.
Thea and baby Emory
My second suggestion is to meet mothers where they are at. I exclusively breastfed, which meant that someone taking over was tricky.
So many people would say I should just give him some formula so someone else could take over (pumped bottles were a battle for me). This felt dismissive to me, hurt my feelings.
It would have been much more helpful and affirmative if someone had offered to lend a hand with chores or meal prep, or even just suggested a shorter break. I couldn't take hours away from Emory, but a long shower was possible with help.
If you know a mom that's struggling and want to help, ask what would make the biggest impact to them. Offer to do the dishes or make/bring a meal if you're willing. The little things can change everything!
Counseling and therapy are not for everyone, and I am one that shuns this sort of thing due to personal preference. I've tried medication, and it's never been good for me. This is not true for everyone. It's okay to CAREFULLY talk to a mother you suspect has PPD about these things. For them meds may be the best help possible.
Sandwich your suggestion between compliments to avoid hurting their feelings or causing them to clam up. Maybe use the imaginary "friend" we all have for difficult statements. "A friend needed some support after her baby was born and found that talking to a counselor was helpful, do you think that might be something you'd want to do?"
If you want to be an all-star you could look up counselors that take their insurance for them if they are receptive to the idea. Offering to hang out with the baby during appointments can also make the idea seem less daunting. It can be so hard to justify taking time to care for yourself postpartum, some of us need a nudge.
Baths are one of the few things that made Emory calm.
Lastly, I want to highlight the importance of just being compassionate. Being there.
A lot of us aren't as put together after a new baby, and understandably so! If a mom comments on the state of her house or the way she looks when you see her, remind her that she's doing better than she thinks.
A simple reminder that you are not bothered by the things she worries over is huge! Feeling the need to host or have a presentable home is ingrained in some of us so much that we will isolate when we can't meet the standards in our minds. This is hazardous for mental health.
Just the phrase "I'm here to spend time with you, not judge your house" can mean the world to a frazzled mom!
Small gestures help so much that I cannot emphasize them enough. When a close friend of mine had her son, I visited with a small bouquet of flowers and a few snacks for her. I laughed off her apologies about her home and reminded her that she just made an entire person; all that mattered to me was spending time with them.
This meant so much to her that she mentioned it to me several months later! She told me that she always brings flowers when visiting a newborn now if she can. It goes to show that taking a moment to think of how to brighten a mother's day has a huge impact!
Another throwback of toddler Thea and I
If you are struggling with a newborn and you are reading this, please know that things will get better before you know it. For fathers who feel like their partner has gone off the rails, have compassion and know that she will regulate when her body is ready to. Look beyond emotional outbursts and try to find what's behind them if you can. And don't be afraid to ask for some support from those around you, you deserve to feel heard and supported too.
For the struggling new mothers, give yourself grace. What you see of other women's lives is not a true reflection of what life is like for them. We all have struggles behind the scenes, and that's okay. In fact, it makes us human!
Remember that to worry if you are good enough is already proof that you are. It shows you care a lot, and you have to do your best to give some of that to yourself. You are strong, beautiful, and wonderful. You are doing great. Things will get better!
