Scene: The curtain opens to reveal badly formed paper mâché trees and boulders. Two men in centaur costumes stand at center stage as the lights come on. A moon cutout hangs down directly over their heads, entirely out of place. The centaur to the right sways awkwardly before he speaks.
Cornicomulus: "Greetings Parvarion! The stars have aligned, and the day of love is now upon us!"
Parvarion: "Nothing but woe marks this day for me, my friend."
Cornicomulus: "Woe? Are you not taking in the fireflies with Orcanda this evening?"
Parvarion mimics the sounds of crying, bringing one hand to his face.
Parvarion: "Ohhhhh! Had not the foul grips of fate took my love from me!"
He tries to stagger back dramatically, seemingly forgetting there is a giant fake horse rear attached to him.
Parvarion: "Orcanda no longer pays me favor brother, I fear I have really done it this time!"
Cornicomulus: "Woe indeed Parvarion, for Orcanda is quite comely... Do you by chance know where she may be?"
Parvarion: "You would speak to her for me brother, truly?"
Cornicomulus: "Yes... er, for you. Of course!"
Parvarion: "No centaur has known friendship as I have Cor— nic— my brother!"
Cornicomulus: "Huzzah!"
Cornicomulus tries to exit right, and his rear completely falls off. He hurriedly grabs it as he runs off stage. The curtain closes, and there is a lot of comotion. When it reopens, the second act looks the same, except Parvarion is now wearing a blonde wig... and a seashell bra?
Act II
Cornicomulus: "Orcanda, good evening to you."
Orcanda: "Oh, it's you. What do you wish to speak with me for?"
Cornicomulus: "I simply saw you walking and wanted to say your flanks look well groomed— enough about me, how are you feeling?
Orcanda: "You ought to know Corni— cumoo... You're the one who is always with Parvarion! Why, you will never believe what he did to me!"
Cornicomulus: "I'm sure I wouldn't, what a dog! Anyhow, do you have plans tonight?
Orcanda: "I thought it was clear I did not, Cromulon."
Cornicomulus: "I just cannot stand to see that happen, may I have the honor of your company?"
Orcanda: "Wow Cromo-corn. I had never imagined I could find love again, but I see now that you are a scholar amongst centaurs. We should celebrate this moment."
Cornicomulus: "Why don't we go back to my place to have coffee?"
Orcanda: "I find coffee to be a powerful aphrodisiac, so that is incredibly unwise. Let us head to your place straight away!"
The curtain closes, and some giggling can be heard. When it reopens, the centaurs stand at a tall bistro table. The scenery is otherwise identical. Cornicomulus pours Orcanda a mug of coffee from a french press, before filling his own mug.
Act III
Orcanda: "This coffee smells like heaven Corn-comlus! Do you buy your beans from the elven merchants within the woods, where we live as centaurs?"
Cornicomulus: "Ah, indeed. These beans were roasted by an elder dragon with a snaggle tooth."
Both, at the same time: "Auspicious."
Cornicomulus: "I hope this coffee will ease your heartache Orcanda. The elves know how to persuade nature to make a cup of the finest brew, as you knew how to ask nature for a fantastic... smile!"
Cornicomlus scoots closer, his rump almost falling off once again. Orcanda sips the coffee, her face forming into a tight grimace.
Cornicomulus: "How is the coffee treating you?"
Orcanda, beginning to sob: "Awful! This clearly isn't elven coffee. Parvarion would know that, and his name is so much easier to say!"
Orcanda tosses her coffee on the ground, stepping back from the table.
Orcanda: "I thought you were charming Corncob, but now I see heartache was clouding my judgement. You flirt like ketchup smells. Parvarion may be a clout, but at least he is honest!"
Cornicomulus: "Stupid uncool, but I'm chilling."
Orcanda tries to gallop from the set, and almost falls on her face.
Cornicomulus, as Orcanda exits: "Hey this is between us, right?"
The curtain closes once again. "Why'd you throw the coffee dude?" can be heard amongst shuffling. When the curtain opens, the men have traded the wig and seashells, the table and coffee are gone. Parvarion holds a box of chocolates.
Act IV
Parvarion, offering the box: "Orcanda, Happy Valentine's day!"
Orcanda: "Thank you... but I am afraid I must decline your gift. I was just at Corn-naaaa's house. He tried to seduce me, and honestly... at first, I went for it."
Parvarion appears crestfallen, he opens the box and begins eating the chocolate.
Orcanda: "Clearly when I broke up with you before it was the right choice. I am sorry... I love you, but you aren't the right centaur for me."
Parvarion, with a mouth full of chocolate: "You gallop like an angel, I always knew this day would come. I can only be grateful for the time we've had."
Orcanda: "I can't believe you'd still say something so kind."
Parvarion: "I respect your choices as a woman, what am I going to do, beg when you've made up your mind?"
Orcanda: "Dammit Parvarion, it's V-day. Let's go have coffee one last time, you sweet hearted centaur!"
Parvarion: "C-coffee, or?"
Orcanda: "Let's find out."
The curtain closes to an uproar of booing. "You call that romantic? I want a refund!" one man shouts. A shrill sounding woman yips "That was the worst play I've ever seen!" Voices join in to agree, and the theater lights go out in response.
Fin
HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY Cinnamon Cup Coffee! Did you know there's a smashing contest going on to commemorate their anniversary? You can join in until tomorrow night!
My header image was made using free elements on Canva, Centaurs thanks to Barroa_Artworks!
