Glossary Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine.

Expectations It never goes over very well.

Old Guy People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

Old Guy "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

Concern With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”

Bedside “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

Wrong An ambulance! What do you think?!

Making Amends “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Friend’s Pregnancy One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

Kitchen Utensil The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale. It’s a pooper-scooper.

Scooby-Doo Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

The Walking Dead Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”

80s Taught Her If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.

Work Emails Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me. Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

Confusion My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

Bikini Dangers Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

Grandkids Belong There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.

Pickle “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

Baseball Glossary Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop. Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine. Marc Philippe Eskenazi, in the New Yorker

Language Tapes During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.