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Daily Jokes
@goodjokes
45
A joke a day keeps the shrink away!
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http://www.steemit.com/@goodjokes
Created
2017-11-20 20:57
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Wallet
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Glossary
Glossary Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine.
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Expectations
Expectations It never goes over very well.
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Old Guy
Old Guy People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
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Old Guy
Old Guy "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
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Concern
Concern With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
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Bedside
Bedside “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
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Wrong
Wrong An ambulance! What do you think?!
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Making Amends
Making Amends “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
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Friend’s Pregnancy
Friend’s Pregnancy One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
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Kitchen Utensil
Kitchen Utensil The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale. It’s a pooper-scooper.
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8y
Scooby-Doo
Scooby-Doo Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
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The Walking Dead
The Walking Dead Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
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80s Taught Her
80s Taught Her If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
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8y
Work Emails
Work Emails Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me. Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
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Confusion
Confusion My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
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Bikini Dangers
Bikini Dangers Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
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Grandkids Belong
Grandkids Belong There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.
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Pickle
Pickle “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
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Baseball Glossary
Baseball Glossary Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop. Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine. Marc Philippe Eskenazi, in the New Yorker
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Language Tapes
Language Tapes During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
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