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Our friendship started when we were little, when we barely knew what the world was like or how to recite the alphabet.
Our moms were best friends, so automatically we were meant for each other.
We were inseparable.
We were like peas in a pod; like ink and paper. Many said our souls were stitched together before the world even knew our names.
We went everywhere together, wore the same outfits, and we were the sisters we never had.
The only thing that was different was our birthdays. We believed nature had cheated us rather than being grateful for what we shared.
Maxine was soft-spoken, humble, lovable, and intelligent. In fact, she was everything close to perfect. Her smile radiated as much as the sun did. She really did light up any room she walked into.
Me on the other hand I was chaos. I acted like if you came any closer, I would breathe fire.
Many people asked Maxine how she survived me on several occasions, but she would smile gently and say, "She is all I have ever known, and I love her because I know she loves me more than anything in the world."
Then she would go on to gush about how I could cross oceans to save her, and I would cover her mouth before people discovered that my soft spot was not a myth.
Growing up, people wondered if I didn't come from a loving household, but I did.
My attitude towards love and the distance I gave people had nothing to do with anyone else. It was simply my own way of coping with the world.
Things took a turn when Maxine was diagnosed with a terminal illness. During this period, she was in and out of the hospital frequently.
This was one of the toughest phases her best friend had ever faced, but as usual, Maxine always wore a big smile regardless of the situation.
On each hospital visit, she would assure her friend, "The doctors here are great. They will work magic with their medicine and I will be good as new in no time."
Months passed, but Maxine's health kept deteriorating.
It became harder for her to go out or socialise with friends. She missed out on many gatherings, but her friend made sure to visit her at home to keep her updated, no matter how exhausted she was.
They would snuggle in and talk about their favourite memories before she tucked her in, kissed her goodnight, and headed home.
She wished this moments could last for forever.
She had done countless hours of research trying to find something anything that could stop her friend from leaving this earth, but all to no avail.
She cried herself to sleep most nights, alone and without comfort.
Three more years of pain passed before Maxine finally slipped away.
She wished her friend could hold but she knew the pain was worse.
She was by her bedside when it happened. She screamed her name so loudly that if sound alone could bring someone back, it would have.
After her passing, the world stopped for lily .
She was angry at the sun for still shining.
Angry at the clocks for still ticking and the birds for still humming their melodies. It felt deeply unfair that the world carried on as though nothing had changed while she was falling apart inside.
The worst part was having to see her friend one last time before she was lowered into the earth. She recorded it as the worst day she would ever live through.
She fell into a deep depression and shut everyone out including her family. She went weeks without eating and cried more than she slept.
Until one day, despite the "Do Not Enter" sign on her door, it creaked open softly.
It was Maxine's mom.
"You know I lost her too," she spoke softly, her voice trembling at the edge of tears.
"I cannot lose you both."
"I am not rushing you out of your grief but if you continue this way, it will only hurt you more. I need you. Your family needs you."
She reached into her bag and pulled out a bundle of letters.
"We were clearing out her room. She left these for you."
She placed them down and quietly headed for the door.
Lily stared at the bundle of letters, all addressed to her.
She was scared to pick them up, let alone read them.
She finally reached for the first one. It contained pictures of their childhood memories and tears began to build immediately.
She sat quietly, combing through the letters one after the other.
But one letter in particular made her cry the loudest.
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It read
I know you locked yourself away and became even more unreachable despite my advice,
You are still blaming yourself for my passing but you need to stop. I still can't comprehend why you blame yourself when things go wrong for others,
I know that if life were in your hands, you would have let me live a thousand times over,
So snap out of it,
I need you to know that I was not afraid. The only thing that ever scared me about leaving was you.
Because I know you would stop living too,
No one will make this pain feel lighter for you except you,
Don't dwell in the fact that I am gone. Keep living for me. I will live on through you,
You with your fire and your walls and that soft heart you hide like it is something to be ashamed of,
You were never too much. You were always exactly enough. You were my enough.
People never understood us. They looked at us and saw opposites.
What they missed was that you were everything I needed to be brave, you complimented me in ways you couldn't see it yourself,
I hope I was everything that made you feel safe enough to be soft even if only with me,
Oh My Lily,
I know you have cried your soul away,
Please don't,
Let someone in. Let yourself cry where people can see you,
I know you always complained that Mathew's love is not reliable, please give him a chance,
Let yourself be loved the way you have always loved me completely and without condition,
Remember to write down your emotions when you get overwhelmed,
You crossed oceans for me. Now cross this one for yourself.
I will always be the part of you that is calm when everything is chaos.
The part that smiles when you forget how to. The part that knows you all of you and chose you anyway, every single day.
We were ink and paper. And even when the paper is gone — the ink remains.
I love you. I have always loved you.
And wherever I am going, I am taking every memory of us with me and I know you will create new amazing ones,
I will be watching over you and each time you really miss me; I will be that little humming sparrow,
I found out it represents profound Divine care
Always and Forever
Maxine.
