I've been thinking about fears lately; I don't have many but the few I have are constant companions, just under the surface of the façade I show the world. They're hidden from literally everyone. I don't show them, share them or discuss them - I just deal with them. It is my way.
Next week I'll begin my fifty-first year...Who would have thought I'd make it? But I have.
My life has been turbulent. A line from a song I like could sum it up, wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side of hell. I don't mean it's been bad; I couldn't go that far. But it's held it's share of darkness and shadow, much of which has been self-created, but some which came unbidden to blanket me; A heavy shroud, covering and stifling me. I've survived so far though.
I'm not the type to lay down; To stop.
Relentless describes me. I drive at things with single-mindedness, including the pursuit of the best version of myself and life. I miss the mark so often though, broken people often do, but I hit it also and have woven some of the most vibrant and beautiful threads into my life's tapestry.
These threads, interspersed with those pulled from that shadow-shroud, all woven together make...Well, they make me and my life.
I took this image in Finland at 2330H (11:30pm). The sun is still up despite it being almost midnight. It felt relevant because here the midnight sun chases shadows away, and of course, creates them...It's a counter-balanced, a dichotomy. It's how I live my life also; Light and dark.
But fear
I don't like fear although I find it motivating; A juxtaposition, I guess.
It's fear that brings rise courage. It's fear that inspires ownership. It's fear that brings responsibility. It's fear that causes action. It's fear, and the things it brings into being within me, that holds fear at bay. It's fear that rouses the passion to move forward. All of that, but I still don't like it; I just live with it, a co-existence, as it ebbs and flows beneath the exterior I allow the world to see.
I don't fear the dark, I embrace it - Good things can happen in the dark...Possibly I fear the darkness within my mind a little though, you know, when I'm alone and truly self-accountable.
I don't fear death - It's no factor. I will die, as will you. I'm not one to allow denial of fact, fate and destiny to get in the way of my life. I don't fear death, and yet I don't want to die just yet.
I don't fear challenge, hard work, effort, ownership, responsibility, extreme action or the failure those things can bring with them when deployed. The failure to apply these is failure in itself.
No...I don't fear those things at all. But...What I do fear is forgetting.
Fear of forgetting
My father passed away in July last year. He died not knowing who I was. Dementia.
In truth he left long before he passed and his death was a release. He had an horrific wound on his foot through which tendons were visible; It would not heal. He had renal failure and cancer. He had dementia...Maybe the only saving grace - He was largely oblivious to it all.
I'd gone through fourteen years, since my mother had died, of looking after him in most ways: Health, financial and personal needs and finally locking him away in a nursing home because I didn't have the courage or ability to continue.
At the end he just left...Alone in the dark without me there. He just passed over and did so not knowing me.
It plagues me, the fear of losing my memory and forgetting those around me. Forgetting myself in fact. Dementia is a terrible affliction and I fear that above all else. I have faced great adversity in my life, overcome it sometimes...But dementia, if it happens to me...It will simply creep up and take me away as it did with my father. I fear that.
But not yet
I have a very good memory; I guess maybe too good because I remember those who wrong me far too well, and probably enjoy dealing with them far too much also. Generally it's a good memory and I have a keen eye for details. I don't miss much...Or forget.
I remember those I value and love. They mean more than anything in my life. People, not things.
If I have said the words I love you I have meant it and will not forget that, or the person to whom I said it. I don't say it lightly but to those that hear it I hope they feel the deep emotion behind it. But what about dementia?
I live my life now, under the shadow of that shroud of fear above, but I don't let it stop me from living and loving. I remember yesterday, I remember who I said I love you to and I hope they do also. There is only now right?
I miss my dad. It comes and goes, but on the way to work on Tuesday it made me cry a little. Something triggered the thought, a song, and I felt robbed as his dementia took him away long before he truly departed and I never really said goodbye; That chance was taken away.
You know...Maybe that's the true fear I hold...Not losing my memory but losing those who mean so much to me and not having the chance to tell them what I feel one last time. Maybe I fear them forgetting me as I fade out from the vibrant man I am into a shadow, and then altogether. I don't know...No one really can I guess.
But not yet. Not today. Maybe not ever.
I live with passion; It's all I know. I've loved passionately and still do. I've hated passionately as well. But something I can be relied upon for is to say how I feel, if its positive, if it's meaningful. To show how I feel. To show gratitude and to work towards being humble and kind. I succeed sometimes.
So I'll deal with this fear the best way I know how...That's, living my life so passionately now so that when I fade, when I check out, those around me, those I truly love, and love me in return, will remember me for that and how I impacted their lives.
Today I received a small birthday gift from a very cherished person - Someone I love greatly. On it is a phrase:
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the determination to do something in spite of the fear. Have courage to live your dreams.
I think that says it all.
End.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
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