Tested on G-dog

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

- Confucius -

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I slap a little moisturiser on my face most days, I figure a little personal grooming isn't a bad thing for a crusty old wrinkled one hundred and thirty seven year old dinosaur like me. There's a surprising amount of such products available for men but I keep it simple with a product called Simple, out of the UK. It's advertised as cruelty free and not tested on animals with no artificial perfumes, colours and no harsh chemicals. The problem is that lately it's not been working; I needed to up my game.

I went rifling through the cupboard and found a product that looked legit.

I've seen it advertised on television and it seems to have taken many years off the appearance of celebrities who extol it's benefit in what seems like "honest and genuine opinions based on experience with the product."

Considering it was in my house I figured it must work for the person who uses it and that was good enough for me - I'm on it.

It's called Revitalift Laser by L'Oreal...I know right? Sounds bloody fabulous! This shit is going to make me look twenty again...or so my imagination told me. I couldn't wait to take thirty years off my life and have a face as smooth as a babies bum. It'll be epic, I told myself excitedly. Ep-ic!

I read the instructions diligently:

Apply 3-4 drops to clean dry skin in the evening before Laser Night moisturiser.

Oh man, this is going to be bloody epic, I thought once more. A couple goes of this stuff and I'll have to bat the ladies away with a fucken stick.

I applied the serum beneath my eyes dabbing away as if I knew what I was doing and went to bed to wait for the transformation to occur.

In the morning...Nope, same old tired, haggard, wrinkly, dinosaur visage. My skin tingled a bit though, right where I'd applied the magic serum; I assumed that was the awesomeness happening and vowed not to be swayed by the unremarkable effects from the first application.

The following night I slathered on a whole mess of it in the same way and knew that, that night, was when the magic would truly happen; I was without doubt. I went to bed and wondered if I'd recognise myself in the morning...and if I had a stick big enough to keep the ladies at bay. It tingled a little more than the previous night, but magic does that right?

In the morning...well, lets just say that I looked the same overall but there was a new problem...The serum had burned the skin beneath my eyes leaving it red, inflamed and stinging like fuck.

Okay, I'm not sure if this is meant to happen, I thought to myself, I'm supposed to look twenty years old, not like I took a cheese grater to my face. What the bloody fuck? #WTBF

I grabbed the bottle and read the instructions diligently once again...I even put my reading glasses on this time and...

Oops, I forgot to put the moisturiser on after I applied the serum.

Instead of magic happening the serum was burning the hell out of my skin like I'd been napalmed! No worries though, I grabbed the old-faithful moisturiser and applied it...and it burned like hell too!

Goddamn it, what the actual fuck?

I made a quick phone call to someone in the know and was called a bloody idiot...after the laughter subsided. She also said, why didn't you ask me first? I had no valid or viable response so went with, because I'm an idiot? She agreed.

Anyway, I was told to apply some Vaseline to the skin below my eyes and have done so for the last couple days; it's helped greatly. The pain is subsiding and whilst the skin is still red and flaking off like old paint...well, I'd have to say it's on the mend.

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My reckless foray into the world of cosmetics and making myself look twenty years younger was a monumental failure and I think I'll be back to keeping it simple...once the stinging stops enough for me to use a moisturiser again. So much for looking thirty years younger huh? To be honest I don't know if there was a high probability of it in the first place; I'm beginning to think those fucken celebrities aren't being so honest on those commercials after all.

Back to keeping it simple and no more cosmetics testing on the G-dog...without asking those in the know first.

Have any of y'all had similar experiences with something that was supposed to gain a positive result but did not? Maybe you used a product or item that you didn't really understand very well. If you'd like to comment, please do so below.