I went through the photos looking for a specific one, my dad and myself on a cliff overlooking the ocean at a place in the south-east of my State. It was taken when I was about eight or nine, I can't recall the year exactly, just that I was a little kid. We were on a family holiday and had spent the day driving about in the family car and looking at things around the sleepy beachside location. There's not many photos from back then, but I needed to find this particular one so spent several hours going through big boxes of photo's I've saved to find it.
Earlier that day I had a moment, a small moment.
I was thinking about my dad. He passed away last July and whilst he was at peace in the end I was not. I'd taken care of him over his last ten years and I did the best I could but I still went through the process of wondering if I had done enough for him. He didn't know me at the end, he suffered dementia, and I didn't get to see him much before he died as the pandemic situation prevented me from accessing his nursing home. It was all a little uncomfortable and had I done enough was a thought that had immediately come to mind.
I came across the camera in the photo above the other day. It was dad's, a memento or keepsake from his own youth, and one I kept with the intention of passing it to my niece or nephew someday, dad's grandchildren.
It made me think of dad and my life spent with him as his son. It seemed a good life and he used to say that a lot; that he was content with the life he made, the children he had and the love of the woman he married, my mum. It used to make me feel guilty when he said that though; I wasn't always the best child - not wayward - just somewhat mischievous.
I've thought a lot about that over the last year, about the trouble I must have caused him, and I've felt very guilty. Sure I was just a kid but I'm not now and I see some of my actions as reprehensible. That's what my small moment was about; the fact I can't apologise to my father for some of the things I did that must have hurt him a great deal.
The photo I was looking for was taken on one such occasion.
On that family trip we'd come to some cliffs over looking the ocean. I, in my infinite wisdom, was tempting fate by getting close to the edge and looking over; I've always been inquisitive. My dad was beside himself with worry of course, and kept telling me to come back from the edge, that it might cave in. Of course, me being me, didn't listen.
For some stupid reason, I thought it would be a good idea to go right up to the edge of that cliff and lark about and pretend to fall off. My first attempt was quite good. My dad freaked out. I mean, he must have thought I was going to fall to my death. He ran over and I beamed up at him like a little idiot. His face though...I can still see it now; I saw true fear in his eyes, sheer horror at the thought of me going over.
He spent the next half hour or so telling me not to go near the edge and I spent that time going to the edge pretending to fall off and teasing him about the might cave in thing. My father was beside himself, probably pretty angry too, whilst I thought it was a huge joke. Funny to me at the time. Now? I'm ashamed of myself.
I'll never have children of my own and will never know what he must have felt that day, and other days when I did stupid things. How I survived my childhood I do not know. I can imagine how he felt though. He was a patient and kind man, generous to a fault and very caring - I can only imagine how my antics left him feeling. Terrible I'd say.
I felt so ashamed of myself the other day, remembering that day on the cliffs all those years ago, and so remorseful of my actions; the actions of a dumb little kid.
It wasn't until March this year that I remembered that day. I was talking about children with someone as she'd had a similar thing happen to her with her own son - A scare. I remember getting a little choked up on the phone with the memory of how I disrespected my dad and the understanding of how I must have made him feel. Naturally I attempted to squash it down but it hurt though and made me feel terribly ashamed of my poor behaviour that day.
I never found the photo I was looking for and in my small moment I didn't find the ability to forgive myself for my actions many years earlier either. I regret not apologising to my dad for that, and all of my other stupidity. He'd never have expected it of course, maybe he forgot the entire incidence soon after it had happened, however I wish I'd done so.
I moved on from my small moment in time and am back to feeling pretty good, no worse than usual. I know I'm fortunate to have had the sort of role model I did in my dad; He was the sort of man I'll never be. I know he would not have held it against me that I was a stupid kid sometimes, like most. I also understand that he knew what I did for him later in life, to some degree anyway. I'm a reflection of him now; his legacy lives on in me and my thoughts and deeds. I feel like I'm a good person mostly and I have him to thank for that. I just wish I had the chance to do so right now, and apologise for being a ratbag kid.
When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself
Tecumseh
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
Discord: galenkp#9209
image is mine
