Today I had a nice post planned about my day at the range - A couple of funny things happened today and I thought I'd relate them for you...But then I visited my dad.
My dad lives in a nursing home and suffers from dementia which affects his memory quite severely. He has other issues of course, it's inevitable at his age, although it's the dementia that seems to affect him the most.
I've said it before, that I don't enjoy visiting him but I do it each week and take whatever comes on those days. Until recently he has had good and bad days, I mean days in which he is alert or less alert however these days there's no good days; Not really.
I stayed for 30 minutes today and at no time did he recall, or know, who I was. I was a complete stranger to him.
I sat there beside him awkwardly, listened to the same few phrases he tends to repeat these days, garbled memories from better days, and came away feeling pretty uninspired, quite sad and pretty angry. That's why I didn't post about what happened at the range today - I just wasn't in the mood at the time preferring to come home, lock myself away in my workshop and mess around pretending to do something productive.
That was a few hours ago now and I'm starting to feel better, less angry. I wasn't really angry at anyone in particular, just the situation I suppose.
Thinking about my dad now, the fact he is unaware who I am, or was today at least, makes me very sad. I guess because I have the memories of him still, memories he is unable to recall or speak about...It also cuts deeply that I no longer have the ability to tell him things and get a conversation in return. He is a stranger, a very unresponsive stranger.
Still, he is well cared-for, not in pain, eats a nutritionally balanced diet, is safe and seems to enjoy the interactions they promote at the nursing home: Games, singing, music and such things. I should be glad that this is the case, and I am. I just wish I had a dad still, because sometimes it would be good to be the son again, to hear a few words of praise and encouragement and have a joke with my dad; Pipe dreams of course these days, it will never happen.
I'm sorry this is such a poor post, but it helps me to process my thoughts to tap out a few words here and send them out into the interwebs...It sort of coalesces them into one ball of stuff and then sort of casts it away. Something like that anyway.
I'm glad my dad is safe and cared for, that he never had to go through the agony my mother did before she succumbed to cancer...But at the same time I hate that he has lost his memory and faculties...It's like he isn't my dad anymore and there's not really a substitute for one's dad I suppose.
The only positive I guess I can take is the fact that seeing him like this, knowing it could happen to me in the future, makes me want to live a better life now. It makes me want to be the best version of myself that I can be and to value those around me and to show them that I value them. I guess that's the best I can hope for from a situation like this.
I hope y'all have a good weekend, and this post ist't too depressing for you. I'll be working around the house tomorrow, mainly organising and reorganising some things inside and in my workshop. I'll not be as sad tomorrow, I promise.
Tomorrow isn't promised - Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default
An original post written by a human
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