Gah! What's with the world around me here lately?!?!
I must be about to level up again! >•< just seems as though the days are getting shorter and harder not enough time in the day, or enough pain!
I had a doctor's appointment today....over this.
Let me tell you something! My shoulder is dislocated permanently 2 and a half inches, so I'm usually in excruciating pain. But when I work for a company for nine months day in and day out, putting all my blood sweat and tears into it. Pushing through the agony of a mistake made out of desperation: only eclipsed by the severity of my own stupidity.
Further injury was only a matter of time. It was inevitable...what I am saying is, when i move my right arm up or to the side, I can feel it grinding. You know that sound you hear when your riding/driving a stick shift car and you/they miss their gear when they are pushing the clutch to the floor board and then they jam the car into gear? Crunch "giwhrsssharakalak" yeah, that's what my shoulder feels like.
Regardless my job was throwing tires all day. I was the man in black and instead of slinging a gun, it was tires and man was I good at my job for being a hundred and thirty pounds, recovering drug addict! I was definitely making head way in my life until I was forced to yank tires down from above my head. After that, it was over. With a loud pop, my right arm fell limp to my side.
When I saw my boss walk past my trailer I told him that I think I needed to go to a hospital or something, yet upon arriving at the docs office. I had multiple phone calls of my boss telling me that I shouldn't file workman's comp, and that...if I filed it. I no longer had a job, well I filed it. And...
Now I'm unemployed. Lost inside, and doing pretty much everything I can do to survive. To stay sober, and make money in legitimate methods. Vs the alternative. The alternative is to start selling drugs and I ain't any good at that you can't get high on your supply If your plan is to make money, and I already know that I would. So, what's the point?
I have around six months of sobriety beneath my belt and I feel great about myself. Other than being out of work, and now workman's comp is ending and I still have surgery to get done to reattach my shoulder in the proper place. Than to top it off, I find out that this little boy who I feel connected to is sick as hell. Out of respect for him and his mother I can't say much more than that. Once I learned of this, I started having flash backs.
PTSD is a real life thing, it's detrimental and it's crippling and it's like that neighbor who drinks way to often and has mood swings. You know? The one you can't tell if they are gonna start crying or trying to fight you? Hell sometimes crying while trying to fight you.
I wish that she didn't have to deal with this sort of thing.bits scary as fuck and all though I feel like I'm her punching bag right now. Her outlet, her way of coping with what's happening is hurting me. I love her. All I can do is try to hold on and be supportive, but she doesn't seem to comprehend that this whole situation is ripping into scars in which I don't wanna remember. The only souvenirs I have from these memories are a million different reasons to fall to pieces once again, to back peddle and head down the highway to hell.
And this I can not go through again. I truly hope tomorrow is better than today! I have to call the second doctor and set up an appointment. Turns out workman's comp doesn't think my job caused this, they are saying that since it was a preexisting injury that I will have to pursue other avenues to get my shoulder rebuilt!
So I guess it all rolls back down hill to that saying, you get what you put in, and people get what they deserve. I'm hoping to navigate this darkness without falling back into the abyss of my inner demons, and I believe as long as I write out these darker emotions that I will be able to cope without the dope.
Thanks for listening to me rant....
....and get some of the weight off of my chest. As per request from my friend 
